


Universal Strings

by PippinPips



Series: Emma Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst and Humor, BAMF Women, Canonical Character Death, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, Minor Thane Krios/Shepard, Sarcasm, Two Shepards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:04:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5371250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PippinPips/pseuds/PippinPips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma Shepard: Hero of the Citadel, Sole Survivor of the Citadel. Destroys the Reapers. She’s dying, but when she awakens from her sleep she finds she’s in a different world where Kaidan Alenko is alive and Garrus Vakarian is single. The woman with her title and ships comes from a similar background has made few dozen different choices. She has the chance to impact the world again, but will it be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's Go Back to the Start

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've actually attempted and felt good about a piece, so this is me taking a break from my final papers. It might be slow going, but I hope it's worth the ride.
> 
> Side Pairings: Alternate Shepard x Thane Krios, Alternate Shepard Kaidan Alenko

She’s pinned in rubble and every inch of her body hurts. It hurts to breath, to think to do anything. However, somehow she’s managing as much as she can at that moment. All the fight left in her is ebbing away like the blood from her body. Exhaustion pours over her. It’s too strong to fight and she has so little of that left. What would be the point anyway? That damned holographic child had basically spelled it out for her: the mass relays were gone. If the plan worked as it should have no one should be in this system except for those people trapped on Earth. There’s no one to come search the wreckage of the Citadel and how would anyone get to where she is? There’s no way she’ll be saved in the nick of time. This is the end of it all.

“Sorry Garrus, I’ll save a seat for you,” she whispers. Tears start to prickle at the edges of her eyes. It hurts, to never see him again. To never feel his arms around her. What she wouldn’t give to brush her lips against his mouth, feeling as his mandibles flutter in interest. She wants to sob, but she doesn’t even have the energy for any of that. Shepard closes her eyes. It’s all too much. She just wants it to end.

 

Beeping sounds in her ears. It reminds her of when Ashley was in Huerta Memorial. The sound of the machines as they chime and whirl. She opens her eyes and her breath catches harshly in her throat. She is in Huerta, but it can’t be Huerta. It’s all wrong. There’s no damage from the Cerberus incursion or whatever waste she’d laid to this place with the Catalyst. It looks exactly pristine and comfortable as it did when she visited Ashley all those times. The Keepers are good, but they’re not that good. Are they even alive? Or did the Catalyst wipe them out too? She sits up, trying to test her mobility, and she finds that she can move without even a twinge of pain. It’s an even better recovery than when she awoke from Project Lazarus.

She stumbles out of bed still in her military issued pants and sports bra. The first thing she finds is a mirror and she looks the same as always. Her hair isn’t in it’s bun, but everything is the same. No scars. This is wrong too. There should be some indication of what she’s been through. Parts of her armor had been melted and torn off. She moves back to her bed, where the data pad of her medical records rests at the end of it.

Her stomach twists. Shepard swallows hard as she reads the name that the hospital staff have given her. It’s the Citadel’s equivalent of Jane Doe. She reads further on, unable to stop herself. Apparently she’d been found unresponsive in the Presidium Commons in full N7 armor. They’d sent a request to Alliance Brace as to her full identity--they hadn’t found her dog tags--but due to the confusion and disarray of the Alliance they had yet to receive any information regarding her.

Shepard reads as much as she can, but her attention is pulled away by the commotion outside of her room. Stepping out into the hall, she sees a group of doctors rushing a stretcher to a familiar room. She’s looking at it from a different angle, but she can’t forget that room. Not after seeing Ash so close to death. Shepard walks towards the door, trying to see the body on the stretcher. It’s not Ashley, but it’s a face she knows well, it’s the same face that’s been haunting her dreams for the past three years: Kaidan Alenko. Confusion swirls in her mind.

Not only is she some apparent unknown, but Kaidan’s alive. What world is she in? Did Ashley take his place? Did the Reapers do something? The Catalyst? Is this some sort of dying hallucination?

A Salarian doctor grabs a hold of her upper arm and she nearly takes him to the floor. Shepard turns her head to him, staring at his big eyes.

“Ma’am you shouldn’t be out of your room,” he tells her. Shepard shakes her head.

“I’m fine. I just, can I wait in the lobby? I need to get out of there,” she says as she gestures back towards her room. The Salarian looks at her for a moment before waving his omni-tool over her. It chimes pleasantly.

“You seem fine, but don’t go any further than the lobby, do you hear me?” he replies. Shepard nods her head. There’s no way in hell she wants to walk into this whatever it is completely blind. For all she knows in this topsy turvy world she’s not even alive. Someone else is the Hero of the Citadel. Garrus might not even been in this world--the thought sends an ache through her chest.

The lobby is the same as it was all those times before Cerberus. People milling about, doctors talking. She finds her way to the same seat that she once occupied when she spoke to Thane and waits. If this world is in anyway the same she’ll eventually see herself or whoever was with Kaidan. Some things remain the same in this world. Blasto is still the most popular movie and there’s trivial ads sounding overhead along with the Alliance recruitment spiel. Nowhere is there a mention of the war or Reapers. It takes another twenty minutes before she sees more familiar faces. Dr. Chakwas walks into the main lobby with Dr. Michel. Their hands are moving as they speak and Shepard catches a few things. For instance Kaidan is going to make it, but it’s been touch and go. Also, Commander Shepard should be visiting soon.

So she is still alive in this place. Shepard isn’t sure she can handle seeing another carbon copy of herself. The clone had been enough of a shock to her system. Garrus hadn’t let her live it down for days, he kept joking that he’d seen another one of her clones shopping in some clothing store and buying this sexy little number. It’d made her laugh back then.

She waits to see herself, and steels herself for the shock. However, the only Alliance soldier she sees rushing in has brown hair that’s cut short and styled actually. The woman looks nothing like her, but Shepard watches her none the less curious about this person. The Alliance Soldier stops by the Sirta kiosk and buys a whiskey before heading back towards the patient rooms. No other Alliance Soldiers come in, but she reappears after twenty minutes and stops in front of Dr. Chakwas.

“Commander Shepard,” Chakwas greets her. Shepard can’t believe her ears. That Alliance Soldier is her? They don’t even have the same bone structure. As she looks closer at this Commander Shepard she sees that the woman has light brown eyes. The only thing they have in common is the fact they both have freckles. No wonder no one had commented on her resemblance to the great Spectre. The other Shepard does the same thing she did and invites Chakwas back to the ship. However, if Chakwas is here and if this Shepard does some things similar to her experience does that must mean that Thane is here?

First and foremost though, Shepard needs to see what the not-so other her has done in this system. It doesn’t take long for her to get an extranet connection or to look up Commander Shepard of the Normandy. Her name is apparently Gretchen Marie Shepard. Her mother is also a ship captain, but instead of losing everyone she ever knew and cared for on Akuze she’d been assigned to Elysium. She’d been a war hero. That was unfair. Ashley had died on Virmire, there’s a memorial to her where Kaidan’s stood in her time. Gretchen Shepard hadn’t destroyed an entire system by breaking a mass relay either, someone else had done that. She didn’t have three million batarian lives on her conscious.

Shepard makes a plan to eventually visit Ashley’s memorial and pay her respects, but first and foremost she needs to see if Thane is here. His death--like Kaidan’s had--still weighs heavily on her. It feels like a piece of her had been lost, one of her best friends. One of the few people who had taught her how to use her biotics after Project Lazarus had turned her from a run of the mill soldier into an all powerful adept.

“Excuse me,” she speaks to the secretary at central desk, “is there a Drell here? He’s under a different name, but he has Kepral’s? Um, one of his usual visitors probably signs in by the name of Kolyat Krios?” The Asari looks at her confused for a few seconds before nodding.

“You a friend of his?” she asks.

“Yes. I am.” She gives her his room number and Shepard starts to make her way to it. Thane won’t know her, but he’s too logical to completely throw out what she’ll say to him. Plus she knows too much about him. She knocks on his door. Thane looks up from his data pad and blinks both of his lids at her.

“You’re the Alliance Soldier they brought in three days ago,” he comments. Shepard nods slowly.

“Yeah, I guess that’s me. May I come in?” she asks. It hurts, seeing him alive again. She wants to hug him tightly say that he needs to not play the damn hero. He needs to stay safe.

“Of course, but I have to say I don’t see what an Alliance soldier would want from me,” he says. He’s suspicious. It makes sense he’s under an assumed name for a reason.

“Because I have a wild story and I’m pretty sure you’re the only person who will believe me,” she answers. Shepard steps into the room, she keeps her hands where he can see them, but Thane doesn’t relax. “I know who you are, Thane.” He gets even more tense if that’s possible. “I know who you are because we worked together once.”

“That’s impossible, I would know if we did,” Thane tells her. She can tell he’s getting a little agitated by her words.

“The reason you can’t remember me is that I,” Shepard shakes her head it sounds even stupid to her. “I’m from something like another universe or timeline or something else.”

“I believe you should leave,” Thane says quietly. This is unraveling fast.

“Please, just hear me out Thane! I was your only friend in ten years. You told me about Irikah, about how she stepped between your and your quarry. You fell for her because of that. Eventually you asked me to keep your son Kolyat from following in your footsteps. I did, we managed to get him working for C-Sec. While I was imprisoned for something on Earth you and Kolyat took a trip to Earth that was your last trip before you… before you got hurt and Kolyat convinced you to come live here,” she blurts out everything. Thane watches her for a good few moments before he sets his data pad aside.

“You are very good at your deception, however, you left out the part where we were involved,” Thane says quietly. He’s readying for the attack, Shepard can read it in his body just barely. Anyone who didn’t know him as well as she did would have absolutely no idea they were two seconds from death. However, she can’t quite believe what he’s saying.

“Involved? No, no we were never involved. We’re friends. I, I didn’t? This Shepard, your Shepard didn’t end up with Garrus?” she asks. Her confusion must sound genuine enough that Thane stops preparing to attack.

“No, Siha only remains friends with Garrus Vakarian. We found comfort in one another during our mission,” Thane answers. She should have expected this. Kaidan is alive, so obviously this Gretchen Shepard is different than her in ways. Except she honestly can’t imagine not being in love with Garrus. A warmth in her stomach grows at the thought that at least Garrus in this world isn’t taken by the other Shepard. “Say that I believe you,” Thane begins, “what does that mean?”

“I’ve already defeated the Reapers. I did so at the cost of my own life though. I mean I technically survived the aftermath, but I just don’t know how long I would have,” Shepard admits.

“Tell me the differences in your time,” Thane orders. Shepard swallows. It’s a long story, but she regales him with it. How she faced Saren, saved the rachni queen, convinced Wrex to trust her. After her tale of the first Citadel battle Thane stops her and agrees that that’s all very similar to what Gretchen went through, except Ashley Williams is no longer among the living. With the way Thane says it, Shepard can hear the slight jealousy that tinges his words. Had something happened between Gretchen and Kaidan? When she starts talking about her second life via Cerberus she tells him everything about how she awoke to being a biotic--apparently Gretchen has always been an Engineer--and her confusion. The way she met up with Garrus again, eventually getting crash courses for her abilities with the help of Miranda, Thane, and Jack. Samara had helped a little but only with finesse. How eventually she had destroyed the Bahak system to stop the Reapers.

Thane sits through it all, listening and blinking slowly. She stops after her first visit to the Citadel and at first Thane doesn’t say anything. “You’re not continuing?” he asks.

“Don’t want to fuck up the time period too much,” Shepard lies. It feels like it’d be wrong if she told him of his death, of the way he died. Thane accepts dying from Kepral’s, so she doesn’t really understand her hesitation but it’s there.

“Understandable. I was just composing my letter to Shepard,” Thane gestures to his data pad. “I had heard she’d survived Earth and was here. I was about to request she come see me.”

“She’ll come,” Shepard tells him. She had in a heartbeat. Being able to see Thane...she hadn’t been sure when she gave herself over to the authorities if she’d ever be able to see him again before he died.

“I am not certain,” Thane admits, “I know from the way she spoke that this Kaidan Alenko was to her what Irikah was to me. However, he isn’t dead, and I soon will be. I should let her move on.” Irritation sparks along her skin. It isn’t her for godsakes, but she knows how she’d feel if Garrus tried to pull that shit on her. If Kaidan was anything like Ashley was on Horizon then perhaps Thane is the truly preferred lover.

“Let her decide then.” Thane falls quiet.

“You’re quite wise…”he trails off and looks at her as if realizing she’s never introduced herself.

“Emma. I’m Emma Shepard.” Thane nods.

“You’re quite wise, Emma.” If only, she thinks for a moment. She scratches at her cheek.

“Can I, may I sit with you?” she asks. Thane nods.

“Of course.” He gestures to the seat next to him. Shepard settles down on the cushions and just watches him for a few moments. Perhaps if she hadn’t had Garrus, she would have fallen for Thane. There’s an attractiveness about his quiet. Except that Gretchen has Garrus too, but for some reason she hadn’t fallen for Garrus.

“My Shepard,” Thane begins after a few minutes of silence, “I can already tell she’s very different from you. Not in just with her actions and important choices. There’s a delicateness and sophistication with her.” Shepard lets out a bark of laughter.

“Thanks, Thane. You can already tell I’m unruly and uncivilized?” she asks. She can’t deny that those couple times she’s been put in dresses she never knew how to really move in them. When given the choice between a dress and pants she’ll always pick the pants option.

“I believe my words weren’t chosen properly. I was trying to say that I can already see the differences. You are a woman I could see Garrus falling for. My Shepard, she loves books. She reads on theories that pertain to her engineering. In her cabin she had tiny ships that she would take apart and being to explain to me how they worked as if they were the real things. She named her drones. Both her defensive drone and attack drone. They are like children to her. She and Tali would sit together in the Normandy.” Thane goes still for a few moments, and Shepard knows a memory is coming on. “She sits on the floor. Hands move over the  interface. She’s talking, but I cannot hear her words. Warm eyes look up. She smiles. ‘Hello, Thane’.” He shakes his head clearing the memory from it. Shepard wonders for a moment if her Thane had ever had memories of her like that. The ones that would pull him in. She hopes they were good.

“Oh, yeah, we’re definitely different. It sounds like you had good times with her though,” Shepard offers. Thane nods his head.

“She and Kolyat taught me to live again. After Irikah…” he trails off.

“Right. I don’t read much literature. Garrus and I used to go out shooting. Especially when we got back together on the SR-2. I had biotics then, so I could throw them. God, that was fun,” she says. The memories feel warm and like home. She’d been so in love with him already by then, just not aware of it.

“Your romance sounds like it is also good  set of memories for you,” Thane comments.

“They are.”

“Is,” Thane begins but he’s overcome with a coughing fit, “Excuse me, is your Garrus still alive in where you are from?” The question hurts. Her voice catches in her throat and for a second she’s sure Thane is about to apologize for asking those questions.

“He should be. He wasn’t there in the end. Despite how much he wanted to be, he couldn’t be.”

“I apologize for causing you pain,” Thane says. He leans back against his seat. “Would you mind if we spent the rest of this time in quiet? I believe all this excitement has exerted me.”

“No, no we can definitely do that. Just send her that message.”

“I will Emma.” 


	2. Aches and Pains

She ends up spending most of her time with Thane, a couple of times she tries to check on Kaidan except he’s always awake when she peeks in. Both of those times he’s greeted her, a friendly smile on his face. He asks her if she’s military, he could just tell it from the way she walks. She makes up a bullshit story about her military service and Kaidan buys it for the most part. He admits to her that he’s eagerly waiting for Gretchen Shepard, though he doesn’t say her name,  to return to visit him and Shepard’s mostly certain that while Ashley welcomed her appearance she didn’t wait like this for her. There’s something between all of them just like Thane suspects.

 However, when she’s not with Thane because it’s either time for therapy or Kolyat is visiting and she also hasn’t been caught by Kaidan, she starts venturing out trying to note the differences in her time. The sad thing is not too many things change or maybe that’s the Citadel for her. Perhaps somewhere else it’ll be different. Still it’s odd to be here and have no one wanting her attention or help. To not be watched. She watches the news--mostly Diana Aller’s--to see what the other Shepard is doing. Not too much. She’s not very far in her quest to save the galaxy, and most people are still ignoring the Reaper attacks or the feeds are cut. It feels like this world is behind on it all. That the Normandy crew is playing catch up, but Tuchanka hasn’t even been hit, Thessia is still safe, and no comments on Cerberus nailing Sur’Kesh.

It’s probably the waiting that makes it feel like longer. On the other side everything felt like it was moving too fast. She always had somewhere she needed to go. She always felt like she was holding everything together by the tips of her fingers.

Shepard comes back to the hospital to see Thane in the main lobby. He’s practicing his motions, it’s a too familiar sight. It almost feels as if she has his memory when she sees him. The doors open behind her and there she is: Commander Gretchen Shepard of the SSV Normandy. She’s gorgeous up close and from this viewpoint she can definitely see what Thane sees. Gretchen isn’t in her dress blues or even the other uniforms. She’s wearing a delicate dress that fans out around her legs and small heels. Neither of those things are something that Shepard would even imagine wearing. If they’re not boots and pants she feels too exposed.

Gretchen Shepard brushes right past her and walks up to Thane. They start touching and Shepard feels too much like a voyeur. Just as she’s about to go to her room she stops. Garrus. He should be here. She tries to remember where he went the first time they came after Menae.

The holding docks.   

It’ll be tricky to get in there probably, she’s not Commander Shepard that they all know. No batted an eye as to where she went back then. Still she has to try. She needs to see him just to make sure he’s well. Shepard turns right around and starts heading for the Holding Docks.

Surprisingly, Being a human actually makes it easier for her to get in. Most of the refugees are humans and no one really notices her. They expect her to be there. She’s sure if she was a Turian they wouldn’t be surprised either not at this point. She walks past the Batarians and for once their hatred of her is banal at best. It’s the hatred every other human gets.

Her heart is pounding by the time she gets to the last part. Garrus is there, looking over casualties. Next to him is that damned VI and it looks just like Gretchen. He probably wouldn’t even look at her now.

What made them work  back in her time was their friendship, the time they spent together cooped up in small areas, trading barbs and jokes. She aches to have that back. Garrus said himself he’s no human fetishist. Maybe she can just talk to him. She starts walking to him and the Turians watch her. The only human that probably approaches them is Gretchen. Garrus stops his conversation to look at her. He pauses for a moment and her brain tries to tell her that it’s longer that he would have for anyone else.

“The Alliance have something for me? Or Shepard?” he asks, and of course she can’t shake this military training for the life of her. She looks like military even in civilian clothes. Just too military she and Ash would often joke about themselves. “If you’re looking for Shepard,” he starts and she shakes her head.

“No, I’m not. I was just wondering how Palaven is. I heard it was hit hard,” she says. She’s nervous to talk to him. It feels odd to be nervous to talk to Garrus. They’d been so second nature, well except the sex that had been interesting and a learning experience. The other times had been far nicer, but still fun.

“All of these men are people who survived it, the few that have,” Garrus tells her point-blank. He’s looking at her and he’s confused. His mandibles twitch like they do when he’s getting agitated. Shepard opens her mouth, trying to think of something else to say or whether to just call it good and excuse herself. “Do I know you?”

“Uh…,” she fumbles for words.

“Your face isn’t familiar, but it feels like I should know you,” Garrus comments, but it’s mostly to himself, his voice pitched low.

“Maybe we ran into each other on Omega?” He snaps his head towards her and his mandibles flare.

“Omega?” he asks. Shepard knows her mistake the second she says it. She shouldn’t know he was on there. She’s not even sure the rest of the Alliance Military would know.

“I should go,” Shepard blurts out stepping back. She needs to get out of there.

“Wait!” Garrus calls after her. She can hear his feet moving or perhaps it’s someone else. She doesn’t look back she runs yet as she does she pulls attention. A C-sec guard stops her his hand up and she nearly bowls him over. Commander Shepard could push past him, but right now she’s just Shepard and she’s not wearing her armor.

“Where are you heading so fast?”

“I, I am a patient at Huerta Memorial. I forgot to take my medication,” she lies. The C-Sec officer looks unimpressed.

“Uh-huh,” he stares down at her before looking behind her. “Vakarian? Ah, do you need anything sir?” Garrus clears his throat.

“I was just going to help escort this patient back to the hospital,” he says. His armored covered hand clamps down around her elbow. She’s trapped. Garrus leads her to the elevator, but they don’t go to Huerta. He takes her to a random floor, one she’s never visited.

“How did we meet on Omega?” he asks.

“You helped me,” Shepard answers. “Big tough, Turian saved me from some thugs.” It sounds funny when she thinks about what really happened. How she stormed through the doors as Garim bared down on Garrus, the panic spiking as she tossed a warp field at him and then unloaded her sub-machine gun into his back. The only time she’d been more scared for Garrus had been when he’d taken that rocket. “Nice scar by the way.” Garrus just grunt and looks at her suspiciously.

“I was in C-Sec for a while,” he says instead.

“Yeah?” With how much he had hated working there, she’s surprised he’s telling her this. Especially when she’s a stranger to him.

“I can tell when people are lying to my face. I don’t doubt I helped you, but I do doubt you were a helpless damsel,” Garrus says.

“Let’s just say the whole truth is pretty unbelieveable,” she finally says.

“Trust me I’ve done the unbelievable,” Garrus retorts.

“Not this level, buddy.” Shepard closes her eyes and clears her throat for a moment steeling herself for this moment. “Sorry about this,” she says. Shepard let’s loose one of her weaker throws and Garrus flies back a good couple of meters cursing the entire way. He’s already getting back onto his feet by the time she tears through the Ward. He doesn’t have his gun at the very least. He’d have her down on the ground if he did. Overload is like a shock to her system, she’d forgotten she still had that. She falls to her knees with a crack and Garrus is on top of her. At least he didn’t try to kill right out.  

“Do you work for Cerberus?” he demands. He sound angry now. Something closer to that blood rage he’d had with Harkin and Sidonis. Shepard licks her lips. Garrus has parked his heavy body on her thighs and is holding her wrists together.

“Not anymore.”

“But you were!” His grip tightens on her wrists.

“Yeah, I kind of bugged out when they wanted to use the Collector’s homebase to study. They were getting a little too Saren like for my taste,” she answers.

“So what do you want immunity for all you know?” Garrus demands.

“I’m not in anyone’s files,” Shepard retorts. Garrus scoffs.

“Great another Miranda.”

“I don’t have tech.” He cocks his head a little and his mandibles do that little quiver they do when something doesn’t fit in the story.

“You know too much. You’re human,” he says. He’s processing whatever his theories are. “I’m taking you to Shepard.” He calls over the comms. Even as he has her pinned down he’s vague about what’s going on, where they’re meeting but she can tell.

Docking Bay D24.

Garrus hauls her up and he’s not gentle at all. She can feel everything creak beneath his hold. So, this is what it feels to be on the bad side of one Garrus Vakarian. It feels equal parts worrying and thrilling. It should have been something she and her Garrus tried at least once now she thinks about it. Except this Garrus is so like hers. The same scars and even the same way his eyes harden. He’s also got this Shepard’s back completely and utterly. He takes her back to the elevator and he doesn’t let her go for a second.

Once she catches sight of the Normandy she misses it all over again. She misses her people. They’re all so close to the ones she knew but not enough. Not quite right, but if she didn’t wish for it to be. How could she have ever been ready to give it all up?


	3. Two Shepards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly catching up with my pre-written stuff, whoops.

 

Gretchen is waiting for them. She has her arms folded beneath her chest and she looks less than amused, but that look is mostly for Shepard. When she glances at Garrus it’s a happy and thankful smile.

“Is this her?” Gretchen asks. When Garrus nods, Gretchen takes her omi-tool and waves it over Shepard. A few things start scrolling through and she navigates her way. This is what an engineer version of her would look like then. Well the choice similar version at least she isn’t looking in the mirror as well. “Hmmm, funny, no files other than your medical one. You were found in the Commons?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“In N7 gear and not any of that replicated stuff.”

“That’s what the file says, I haven’t actually seen that armor.” Gretchen’s gaze flickers up to  her. She looks even less impressed.

“Thane had an interesting story to tell me when I visited him,” Gretchen says.

“Just like he said in his message then,” Garrus replies. Of course Thane had somewhat ratted her out. Why would he keep it to himself. He probably thought it would be advantageous to tell the woman he’s in love with how to actually fight and win against the Reapers. She was a goddamn idiot for not thinking of it, or even suspecting it.  

“So then  you’re the other Shepard? Emma?” Gretchen asks. She tilts her head a little to the side and squints her eyes. “I really would have thought we’d be identical.”

“I’m pretty glad we aren’t,” Emma replies. “The clone was bad enough.”

“Clone?” Gretchen asks.

“That’s something for later,” Shepard says.

“Do you actually believe her?” Garrus asks, he wrenches on her arms and her shoulders ripple in pain.  He sounds so incredulous and she can’t blame him. She’d be in the same boat.

“Thane believes her. Now tell me something Thane wouldn’t know yet,” Gretchen says.

“Do you have the Prothean? Javik? I went to Eden Prime almost immediately after grabbing Garrus from Menae. The new Primarch Adrien Victus wants to work with the Krogan, but the Asari are back out because they’re not dealing with drama.” Gretchen shares a glance with Garrus and he lets her go.

“No one knows about Javik. Except Alliance Brass. Cerberus knew there was a Prothean but not his name,” Gretchen explains. “Thane said you defeated the Reapers?”

“Yes, it wasn’t a walk in the park.”

“Will you help me do it?” Shepard thinks on it. She’ll be back on that ship, back with everyone who ever meant anything to her. Plus could she see another world go exactly through the steps she did?

“Yes, but there’s a few things I can’t even force,” Shepards admits, things she won’t force.

“Whatever you can do would be helpful. Thane said you were a biotic. I could always use more of them. I got kind of spoiled well with my old team.” Garrus lets out a snort  it sounds still bitter and more than incredulous. Like he can’t believe he’s hearing this.

“I’m not sure any Universe is going to be ready for two Shepards. Not even Reapers,” he comments. Gretchen looks at him with a smile on her face and eyes alight with something.

“That’s the point. Cerberus and the Reapers will be working with what they know. One Shepard, and just me. If there’s two of us who’s to say we can’t work simultaneously?” she says. The idea sounds too good to be true.

“But she isn’t you,” Garrus argues. He looks at her and the mistrust cuts deep. Despite telling herself that he isn’t hers it hadn’t truly hit until right then. Not even the shock to the system that had been him using overload on her. “Who is to say anyone would follow her.” Shepard can’t look at him at that moment. It’s more apparent than anything that she can’t think of him as hers. It had been too naive to think that.

Glancing at him, Shepard can’t help but feel the pull initial, but also the guilt from feeling it. He isn’t Garrus. He’s more or less just Vakarian the stranger to her. It’s wrong of her if she even tries to make him hers. This isn’t her world.

“But she is!” Gretchen argues, “No I know she doesn’t look exactly like me but you had something that made people flock to you, yeah?” At this point she turns to Shepard. “You’re a natural born leader, right?” Shepard looks between Gretchen and Vakarian. His mandible twitch when their gazes meet. She’s still staring him down when she speaks.

“Yes, I am.”   

  
  


After Vakarian has been sent back to the Normandy or the Docking Bay, Gretchen takes her shopping for clothing and weapons. She waves it all off as using the Alliance money and they owe her. However, she won’t stop watching her. Every so often Shepard catches Gretchen eyeing her. Probably trying to pick out all the differences or perhaps the harder thing trying to see the similarities.

“You went to see Garrus,” she comments. Shepard nods. “Thane told me about our…. differences in the romance department.  I just have to say: Garrus, really? He’s my best friend in the whole world, but I can’t imagine being with him in that way.” Shepard clicks over the kiosks, looking at the upgrades and mods.

“He was my best friend too and my lover and my second in command. In my time Garrus was my everything. I had others but it wasn’t the same,” Shepard admits. Gretchen hums and nods.

“Well he’s single here too,” she offers. Shepard shakes her head.

“It’s, it’s not the same. For one, he doesn’t trust me as far as he can throw me, and I don’t know wouldn’t it be considered weird since I was involved with another him? Would that be considered cheating?” It’s odd to talk with her other self. Yet, can she even think of Gretchen as her other self? They are so different the only thing she can think that they share is the responsibility of the Universe and the tenacity to get it the fuck done.   

“I was in a relationship with Kaidan,” Gretchen admits. Shepard looks at her. She could see that. Her Kaidan had admired her, but they’d kept it purely professional. He’d died for her. “I died. Well, like you died and then I saw him again and it was like I could never see a future again with him. Especially after his letter. He told me he moved on from me. That was an ouch.”

“I bet. So then, you and Thane?”

“I wasn’t trying to! You must think I’m horrible, but I was hurting and I didn’t want any relationships. I wanted friendships, but then Thane opened up to me and I fell for him. Problem is now Kaidan’s somewhat back in my life and all those feelings are there still.” Gretchen shakes her head. “It’s a goddamn mess.” Shepard shrugs. She’s not a relationship guru. Hell, she’s only been in love with one person over these three years. The biggest problem she and Garrus had were figuring out how to have sex and how each of their cultures fit into the other. When it would have been the time to go meet the parents, she’d gotten locked up.

She glances at Gretchen and frowns. Both of them had been locked up for six months, but Gretchen hadn’t destroyed the Alpha relay. That had happened some other way. Would being with Cerberus been enough for the brass to lock her down? And why go back if that was the situation? She would have flown off forever if it hadn’t been for all those lives weighing on her mind.

“What were they holding you for?” Shepard asks. Gretchen looks surprised at the change of subject.

“For being part of a terrorist organization. That wasn’t the same for you?”

“I was responsible for the Alpha relay, the Batarians wanted my head and by most accounts I would have been labeled a war criminal.”

“You were responsible for the Alpha relay?”

“In my timeline, or universe if that’s what it really is,” Shepard tries to get everything to fit, but she can’t say how this works. Obviously this isn’t just a one-off change. Gretchen is a completely different person from her. Gretchen falls silent most likely wondering what it feels like to have that many deaths on your hands. If she could put it into words she would. The strange feeling of protecting everyone else, but killing so many. How often has she been put in that place. Whether to keep someone alive or kill them? Protect an entire race or destroy them.

“How?” Gretchen works her mouth and then lets out an irritated sigh, “how did you get to that point where all of that went down exactly?”

“Admiral Hackett called me, asked me to help with his good buddy Kenson who was arrested on terrorism charges. I did that found out that the charges were right except she was trying to destroy the relay because the Reapers would be trying to use it to get around.” Shepard pauses. “But she was indoctrinated. They had the Artifact Rho in an open room for fucksake. Anyway, things happened. I wound up driving an asteroid into the Mass Relay and effectively killed over three million Batarians. I destroyed a system and the Alliance never really got around to bringing me to trial.” Gretchen stares at her. Eyes wide and her mouth hanging open a little.

“Shit,” she breathes out. Shepard laughs, her head dips back and she smiles.

“That’s one way of putting it.” Gretchen doesn’t say anything back she just keeps walking. It’s not until they’ve gone through five more stores before she turns to face Shepard and works her jaw.

“Okay, I’m going to be honest. The first thing I thought was I was glad it wasn’t me, but my second thought was I’m glad I have someone who will do anything for the cause on my side.” Shepard smiles a little. In the back of her mind she wonders how much Gretchen actually means that because there’s some definite changes that are going to be made to make the pain of this war less severe. 


	4. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, but I hope it's good.

 

Shepard steps onto the Normandy and for a second it feels like home. It’s like she’s back and nothing else has changed, but no one calls out to her. No greetings from Joker, those don’t come until Gretchen appears. Vakarian has yet to return to his ship battery, and he’s watching her from the other side of the galaxy map.

“You need to check in with Liara,” Gretchen tells her. She doesn’t even look back to see if Shepard is going to follow the order. Is that how she is? Just expecting everyone to fall in line. Except if she thinks about it everyone does. There’s barely anyone who stands up to her when it comes to these things, her orders surpass most people’s opinions. Shepard nods.

Back in her world, she and Liara had a strained relationship if it was that. In her run she’d picked up the young scientist near the end of the chase after Saren, determined to get the known elements out of the way. By the time she’d met Liara she had already killed her mother. The lack of relationship wasn’t due to the lack of actually trying on Liara’s part. She had been friendly and she’d attempted friendship, but the guilt had swallowed Shepard whole. All she could see was how young Liara really was despite her being technically older than all of them--minus Wrex. Liara was the civilian on the ship and Shepard had kept her far, far away from the battles and any skirmishes. Their relationship had turned into something even odder when she came back from the dead and learned of Liara’s involvement with her body.

Shepard steps into the elevator and punches the button for the crew deck. Vakarian steps in beside her.  She can tell from the way he’s standing she bothers him. it’s probably the fact she exists at all that’s really throwing him off.

“Thane’s message said you won at a cost,” Vakarian speaks up.

“Yes.”

“So it’s possible we can win this thing.” She remembers his explanation of what it meant for a Turian to win.

“There’s more than one Turian left after it all,” she tells him. He looks at her and then shakes his head.

“I start thinking there’s no way you could be a real thing,” Vakarian begins, “ and then you say something like that.” Shepard nods, she’s pretty sure she’d feel the exact same way if she went through that as well. What would Garrus do in her place?

“Back in my experience, you and I were close,” she explains. He is quiet for a few heartbeats, she wonders if he’ll ask if she will elaborate, but he doesn’t.

“Good to know some things don’t change. Liara is excited to meet you. She was skeptical you were even plausible, so if she pokes you…”

“Don’t take her down?”

“Think you can?” Shepard shrugs.

“Never had a reason to test it out. I believe I have more physicality than her, but on the biotics? Who knows. Don’t worry, I had my own Liara.”

 

Liara’s room looks the same a half dozen vid screens all showing the galaxy. She’s never seen them with anything else on them than that. Glyph bounces before her, announcing her arrival loudly and cheerfully.

“You’re here,” Liara greets. She’s eyeing her, critical of her appearance. If Shepard had to hazard a guess she was probably looking to make sure she wasn’t an android. Can’t have an Eva Core 2.0 on anyone’s watch.

“Don’t worry, Garrus already nearly crushed my diaphram.”

“Yes, I got that report.”

“No vids of the event?” Shepard asks. She points to the screens and Liara shakes her head.

“Shepard gave me the full report. I know everything Thane told her. She also said you were involved with Garrus,” Liara begins.

“Look, Liara I don’t want to go over this,” Shepard interrupts her. “I know the differences, but I also know that you’re not a big help when you’re here.” Liara looks at her taken aback at the segway.

“Excuse me?”

“We’re too mobile, there’s too much distraction, and you’re miles from the Crucible. You end up missing things.” Liara narrows her eyes.

“If you’re trying to get rid of me,” she snaps. It does come off as that, and if Shepard is honest she trying to get Liara off the ship. She can’t say it’s not personal and have Liara believe her. For all Liara knows it could be because Shepard is threatened by the Shadow Broker being aboard or a multitude of things.

“No, I’m giving you the facts. If I wasn’t here, your Shepard would let you stay on. You’d miss a critical pieces of information and the Illusive Man would get one over on us,” Shepard lays it out. Liara shakes her head and starts to pace. Behind her glyph bounces along in her trail.

“No, just because it happened that way in your time doesn’t mean it will here! Plus, you already know what he knows,” she reasons. Shepard pinches at the bridge of her nose. “That’s not why I wanted to talk to you. I need  you to input the information you have into a file I can send to Admiral Hackett.”

All Shepard wants to do is to desperately shake Liara, demand that she listen because just sending an email to Hackett about all the planets she wound up finding items for the Crucible won’t be enough. They need someone with Liara’s expertise and they need Liara completely focused not bouncing around on a frontline warship. She flips through all of the information she has that might make Liara listee or  to stop and take in what she’s seen and what she knows. Thessia lights up her thoughts.

“Fine,” Shepard grits out, “there’s a beacon on Thessia that your people won’t admit to having until it’s too late. If we wait for your upper echelons to do anything about it  we’ll lose Thessia and the integral piece up until the near end.”

“Thessia can’t fall, Emma. It’s the crown jewel of society,” Liara reasons, “What’s your real reason for all of this? Did we not get along in your time?” Shepard sighs, she hates what she’s about to do, she hated every time someone went into her mind back when the beacon was fresh and she hated the ringing headaches that came after it.

“Liara. Touch me. Read me. I’m telling the damn truth,” she grits out. If Liara’s taken aback by any of her gruffness she doesn’t show it. Instead she places her hands on Shepard’s body and tells her to embrace eternity.

Images flash before her eyes. She sees them just as  Liara rifles through her mind. All the facts laying bare all the times she was with Garrus. The emotions start bleeding through the images. The reaction they elicit from her are far more different when it’s things she’s gone through personally. She wants to cry, to rip her skin apart, to leave herself bleeding and raw.

Liara stumbles back.

“By the Goddess,” she breathes out. “It’s all true. My people.”

“It’s not happening now,” Shepard reminds her, trying to focus her on the important part of that information.

“But,” Liara shakes her head. “I can see we’re not close, but I can also see that I want to be. You keep me at arm’s length. Is it because of my mother?” Shepard closes her eyes. The headache is already beginning its throbbing and pulsing at the back of her skull.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Shepard steps away. Now her head feels like it’s pounding along with her heartbeat. “Just think about what I said. You’ll be more help at the crucible than you will be here.” Liara looks at her for a few moments.

“I’ll talk to Shepard about it,” she says finally. Shepard nods that.

“You do that. I’m going now. You can write that report yourself now if you want to.” Her first instinct it to go up to the captain’s cabin but that’s no longer hers. Instead she stumbles to the lounge and crashes on it, her body collapses in a heap on the cushions her head still spinning. It also feels like her stomach is twisting in on itself. She’s never going to let anyone rifle through her memories again.

She awakens to someone poking her shoulder and she takes them down in two seconds flat. It takes her half of that to realize she’s taking James down as his muscle mass struggles beneath her hold. She wrenches his arm until he howls.

“Mierda! Lola was right, you’re not weak like those other adepts,” he jokes. Shepard can see the pain as it crinkles at the edges of his eyes.

“I was a soldier first, James,” Shepard tells him. He snorts. Slowly, she lets him go and watches as James starts working at his shoulder.

“That’s what I heard. I just couldn’t believe we had another Shepard on the ship. I was pretty sure the universe would have exploded if it was true,” he says.

“And now?” she asks.

“The second you took me down when you were half asleep I knew you were just like the Commander. Tough as nails. You might just be slightly scarier.” Shepard settles back on the couch. Her head still hurts a little, but it’s better. James sits across from her and just shakes his head. The question is how many people did Gretchen and when exactly will she tell the additions like Tali or Kaidan. If Kaidan does what Ash did and join her, that is. If she had chosen Kaidan he would have stayed far, far away? She and Ash had managed to repair their bond.

James taps his fingers against the back of his chair before quirking his lips to the side and then shaking his head again. This time however he makes a noise along with it if he’s appreciating her.

“Forget it, James,” Shepard says. “I already know what a shameless flirt you are.”

“Did we ever play poker?” he asks.

“I saw you clean out more than your fair share of my crew members, but no, I never had the pleasure of playing you,” Shepard replies. She stands up from the couch and follows him over to the poker table. Right then it hits her again how eerily similar everything is. It’s more right than it’s wrong and that bothers her. Her skin jitters. She sits down across from him, trying to push the sensations aside. Eventually it will all become something akin to normal. Her aching for her life might never cease, but it’ll dull.

“How did you end up here?” James asks as he deals. Shepard watches his hands move. He’s talented she’ll give him that.

“I kicked the Reaper’s asses and this is what I got for it,”she answers.

“I’m guessing there’s more to it than you just walking up to them and telling to get the hell out. I saw Earth.” He deals her in. Shepard smiles a little at the memory of their escape from Earth. It was a bittersweet memory. Leaving and then returning. Finding the rubble and feeling the pain.

“Oh, I remember that,” she says. James looks hard at her as if he’s trying to sort through the bullshit.

“So, what were you hurt or something? Does it pretty much kill the Commander?” It hits her hard in the chest: he cares for her. She knew it by the end that they had a bond, but she thought it had happened somewhere between Tuchanka and Thessia. Not before that. She’d been a pain in his ass in her time. A dirty little secret the brass was making him babysit. He must have thought he was being punished for his actions. Shepard swallows.

“It does it’s best. I’m still here,” she points out. James laughs.

“Yeah, but we don’t know how exactly that happened. It could be you’re in heaven or something: A Guardian Shepard.” The last bit draws her up short. Death would have been too easy to fully consider and if she was anywhere it was surely hell. However, apparently being a Guardian Shepard was even better than a guardian angel. Then again Vakarian has angels covered. She taps her fingers on the poker table.

“If I’m dead, I have to break it to you, James, this isn’t heaven to me. Heaven would be a bar with my... “ She clears her throat, “with someone.” He gives her another look. He probably doesn’t expect her to open up completely to him, but the look he gives her makes her feel that maybe he can be her person. He doesn’t look up to her like he did in her time.

“Alright, Angel, let’s see what you have.” He lays his cards down. He’s probably scamming her, but she’s in too good of a mood. The nickname makes her feel a little more part of this whole world. “Another round?” James asks. He’s probably going to clean her out, but it’s not like she actually has any money. It occurs to her right then she’s more or less like EDI, no true method of employment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure some are wondering why I've taken this turn and I'll say that Liara's placement as a crew member always set wrong with me in ME3 if she'd been more of an adviser it would have made more sense to me with the character and the new demands she'd have as the Shadow Broker, especially now that her contacts are being snuffed out and she's struggling to replenish them. 
> 
> Since Emma has already seen this unfold she wants it to get as smoothly as she can imagine she can get it, thus moving Liara away from the front lines.


	5. Stress Relief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I finished my thesis today and I'll be on a long road trip for the rest of this weekend and probably not going to be able to write much or at all, here's another part.

Gretchen pulls her to the side before they dock with the delegates. She looks slightly less put together than she’s ever seen before. Shepard tries to remember how she felt when she was in that place, but all she remembers is the desperation to get this to work and the anger at the Asari for backing out on her. Perhaps it’s her that’s making Gretchen nervous. If she was in her place she’s sure she’d feel the nerves. Someone else already gone through this knowing all the steps standing at your side to judge your actions.

“Liara’s leaving. I assume you had something to do with this?” Shepard realizes she was wrong on the nerves. Gretchen isn’t nervous or unsettled about the meeting with the delegates. She’s pissed.

It’s strange looking at a woman who’s at least somewhat similar to her in personality. It made sense in a  way: Gretchen went through the same hardships she did, obviously different choices were made, but it all led to their similarities. She had to wonder if Gretchen’s clone will be as vile as hers had been.

“I suggested she’d be better off joining the Crucible and that the Shadow Broker could use to be less distracted. Trust me if she could focus on the information then things will be easier,” Shepard answers.

“I did trust you, but I’m thinking that it was premature,” Gretchen retorts. “Don’t you ever mess with my ship or my crew again. I don’t care if you’re the me of some perfect Utopia. You don’t fuck with my people.” In some intellectual way, Shepard knows that from anyone else she wouldn’t take that lying down, but to be honest she has no idea who would win between the two of them. The damage would be done and the universe needs at least one mostly whole Shepard. So, she backs down and nods.

“It won’t happen again, but Liara’s expertise is needed in other places. Neither of you would have seen it until it was too late. I didn’t.” Gretchen shakes her head.

“I’m obviously not you.”

“You’re pretty damn close.”  It turns back into a stand-off, Shepard can’t think of any other way to describe it. Gretchen working what’s been said through her head from the facts she knows and the assumption she makes from the holes Shepard’s left in stories.

“Next time you decide to mess with my crew run it by me first.” She starts to walk away. Gretchen looks over her shoulder. “Maybe you’ll be happy to know that you can stop sleeping in the lounge.” Shepard curses, whatever good will she’d had in the beginning has been shattered. She kicks the wall. Part of her had hoped that Gretchen would invite her to stand in on the meeting if only by the basic fact that she knew where it was supposed to go, yet then again Victus and Wrex had brokered most of that plan. All she had done was push head long through it and ignored the Dalatrass. Gretchen will be fine, but that doesn’t keep her from pacing along the kitchen while she waits.

It feels wrong not to be in the middle of everything. Is this what other people felt like? Helpless while she was placed in the position to make all the decisions. The doors to the main battery slide open and Vakarian  walks out. He’s kept his distance from her ever since the elevator. Even when he walks out of his rooms he rarely looks at her or even speaks to her. Still she watches him go and reminds herself that even if he doesn’t like her that at least he’s alive and well. With the varied differences that Gretchen has made throughout her career it could be him dead with Ash and Kaidan alive--though she’s not certain how that would have happened just that it would be a viable plan just that it had a possibility. She expects him to keep on walking past her, but he sidles up to the countertop and leans over it. Shepard stops her pacing and looks at him.

“You look like you need to get out of here,” he says. She almost immediately agrees. Garrus usually had the best ideas for stress relief, even before they had become a couple, except that’s something her Garrus would suggest to her. He isn’t her Garrus he’s Gretchen’s and she’s aware that Gretchen probably told him about her sending Liara away. From what she has seen of the interaction between Gretchen and Vakarian he’s no less protective of Gretchen than her own Garrus was of her.

“Come to dress me down, Vakarian?” she asks instead. If she keeps thinking about him as Vakarian then maybe she’ll be able to keep that distance and not admire the Turian so much.

“I should for the stunt you pulled, but I have to admit I agree with it. Liara’s gotten hard, but she isn’t hard enough for this war,” Vakarian answers. “I really was just going to suggest you work your tension out. If you and Shepard are any percent alike you’ll need it.” A warmth bubbles up in her chest. He’s at least thinking of her, it might be in regards to Gretchen, but it’s there.

“That’d be great. It would get my mind off of the whole thing,” she says as she gestures to the area that the conference room resides. Vakarian turns his head to where she’s referencing.

“Yeah, how is that supposed to end?” Vakarian asks. He’s walking towards the elevator, just expecting her to follow along with him in this conversation. The truth is that she is following him, shaking her head ever so slightly, but she also has to wonder what is is about Vakarian and elevators with her.

“The negotiations? Wrex will demand that the Genophage is cured and Victus will agree to help. I mean that’s the way it happened with me. It’ll probably be the same, I didn’t come up with the ideas I just pushed them through.” Vakarian makes an amused trill.

“The Dalatrass is going to love that,” he comments.

“She’s going to call m--I mean Gretchen a bully,” Shepard replies. He looks at her before leaning against the wall as the elevator starts to descend, Shepard glances to see that they’re going to the shuttle bay. She’s about to ask if they’re actually  going anywhere when Vakarian starts talking.

“You always call her by her first name. I’ve never heard it except on the news. Hell, not even Kaidan used her first name,” Vakarian states. She wants to smile and say he never used hers either, but she shakes her head.

“I’m Shepard. At least that’s what everyone called me too. Maybe Shep. That was mostly Kasumi though. James called me Lola. I don’t know I know, hearing your voices call someone else Shepard is weird enough, guess I don’t want to add to it,” Shepard explains. Vakarian nods his head. “So, where are we going?”

“Just the shuttle bay. Cortez sometimes stashes Vega’s bottles for me to use when practicing.”

“Shooting? Is this even long enough?” she asks. She remembers her pitiful first throw on top of the Presidium and Garrus had rightly laughed at her. Vakarian looks at her and his mandibles flare for a couple of seconds. Did she shock him?

“No, no it isn’t for a good challenge, but it’s good enough for the stress relief. Maybe having a biotic around might help too,” he suggests quietly.

“If you want me to throw some bottles with my biotics all you have to do is ask,” she replies. As they step off from the elevator, Cortez turns around. At first he blinks and then raises his hand to greet Vakarian. He does look at her for a good few moments. Vakarian gestures towards her with his hand.

“This is Emma. The Suvivor.” The words feel like a shot to the heart. Vakarian has no idea how many times she’d been called that, referenced as that. It was usually along with the term sole in front of it, but it still knocked the figurative air out of her. Cortez looks for a moment just as uncomfortable as she does for a moment before bobbing his head.

“Welcome to the team ma’am.” Shepard nods her head.

“Glad to be part of it for the time being,” she replies. James calls out a greeting towards her and Vakarian but he remains in his work area for the most part. Shepard eyes Vakarian first and then James before finally turning her head back towards Cortez. “They’re all in on this aren’t they?”

“In on it? Oh, right, yeah, Vega knows about the bottles, but they like to pretend it’s all hush, hush. If that’s what it takes for me to get my bottles I’m fine with it,” Vakarian explains. He gathers all of his supplies and walks closer to the hangar doors.

For a moment all Shepard thinks about is her clone. The way her own body looked as it fell from that height. She’d been the one to tip her off, demanding angrily that she get off the ship. It had been that red haze that both she and her mother had been certain she had gotten rid of over the years. Apparently it came back with a vengeance every so often.

Vakarian finishes his set up. He walks back over to her and starts fishing out the sniper rifle. He doesn’t tell her that he’s ready, but she can read it in the way he moves and stands. Shepard begins her walk over to him before she realizes that he may have been testing her. All the small tests and prods. She shouldn’t be surprised most of the people have been testing her the second they know who she’s supposed to be. Vakarian starts checking his gun and then looks at her, his mandibles doing that twitch that she knows is something akin to what a human would consider an amused smile.

“Ready?” he asks. This isn’t her first time, not that he knows that. She and her Garrus have done this a few times. Mostly during the Collector mission when they were still waiting for information to be processed and there wasn’t a readily available mission. They’d sneak out somewhere and she’d practice her biotics by lifting, tossing, and doing all she could with the bottles while Garrus would shoot them. It got to the point that sometimes in battle when she’d toss a singularity out Garrus had been ready to shoot them right between the eyes.

Shepard pushes all thoughts and memories out of her head and picks up a couple of bottles one she pulls towards them and the other she tosses across the way. Vakarian makes a surprised noise before he reaction. Two shots and the bottles are broken pieces. “Impressive,” he says.

“I knew you could handle it,” she says before her brain catches up with her mouth. Vakarian doesn’t seem to read into her words, which is more than fine.

“Then give me one you don’t think I can handle,” he challenges. There wasn’t much Garrus couldn’t do and Shepard’s sure Vakarian is the same way. Still she tries one that tripped Garrus up the first time she managed to succeed with it. First she starts throwing the bottle away from them, beside her Vakarian lets out a sigh. She waits for him to ready his rifle a little more, to get into his stance before she tugs it down for a slam. The gasp he emits makes her smile wide, but he manages to catch the bottle at the last second before her biotics smash it to the ground. Vakarian turn to her and chuckles. “I should call you a cheat.”

“But you asked for a hard one, and you managed to pull it off,” Shepard reasons. Vakarian nods.

“I did. What about you? You ever handle a gun, or are you a purist biotic?” he asks as he does he’s already walking to the armory. Cortez tracks them both but he makes no comment. On the other hand Vega is leaning back against the workbench his arms folded.

“Oh, I’ve handled a gun,” Shepard replies. It almost feels like the first dance with James. They’d had other sparring sessions after that one, but the first one was where they learned the boundaries. Vakarian hands her another rifle. It’s not as modded for comfort as his, but it’s good enough. Plus it has been a while since she used a rifle after a while she did get far more comfortable in just using her biotics than using any heavy weaponry.

Vakarian tosses an easy one and she nails it good, the training coming back to her slowly. She sets her body in the correct stance and fires. Vakarian makes a small noise beside her, if she focuses on it enough she might be able to tell what it means. Except she doesn’t hope. She wishes she could but she can’t.

Despite Vakarian’s good attitude right now she knows it’ll only be time before he shifts back to the suspicion. She’s going to have to let so many things happen and while he can maybe forgive her for placing Liara out of harms way and facilitating a way for her to be even more useful how is he going to react to the Udina and the Citadel? Or hell even the closer Sur’Kesh. It’s all on the tip of her tongue or her lips.

Shepard glances at Vakarian and he’s looking at her expectantly with his sniper resting on his hip. It’s tempting just tell him that Cerberus is going to attack on Sur’Kesh for him to watch his back, but then it occurs to her that she doesn’t even know if Gretchen takes him on most of her missions. With the way the two act, Shepard theorizes that that Gretchen usually has him watching her six--why wouldn’t she?

“I’m assuming that’s your thinking face,” Vakarian comments. “Anything you want to share?” There it is, her opening.

“If Gretchen takes you on the mission to Sur’Kesh,” Shepard starts, but it feels like something she shouldn’t say. What if it changes everything, but Vakarian looks at her completely enthralled in what she’s saying, and sad to say it’s that that pushes her over the edge.  “Cerberus knows about what the Salarians are holding, they’re going to try to take that away from you at any cost. Just, just be ready take all of the precautions to take them out.”

“Why do you think she’ll tap me?” Vakarian asks.

“I always did,” Shepard admits quietly. She can’t see why Vakarian hasn’t put two and two together. Not from her stupid mouth basically telling him every time he asks a question that she loves him. Vakarian makes another sound that her brain automatically begins to decipher when the elevator doors open up. It’s Gretchen with Wrex in tow as well as Javik.


	6. Sur'Kesh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have officially caught up with my writing so this next chapter miiiight take a bit. Sorry. Hope all of your Christmas' were at least semi enjoyable if you celebrate it.

Shepard steps back away from the trio, but mostly Javik. She’s been avoiding him the most out of everyone. Who knows what he’ll pick up from her, what he’ll be able to tell everyone. While she’s sure he’ll see the sacrifices she makes to be for the good of all, she can’t be certain about everything or really anything. 

Her movement causes Javik to track her. He turns his head along with all four eyes coming to rest on her figure. It’s like being the prey for a split second. Javik pulls himself away from the trio. 

“Garrus, you ready to suit up?” Gretchen asks. Whatever Vakarian replies with Shepard doesn’t take notice of because Javik is bearing down on her, she dances away from him before he can grab her by the shoulders. If she could say, she’d say that Javik was amused by all of her dancing around. 

“This is the human who knows everything?” he asks, he’s not even looking at Gretchen as he does. He wants to read her more than just the peripheral sensations he can catch by just being near someone. Behind him, Shepard catches sight of Gretchen looking at the both of them and her eyes narrowing. 

“Yes, that’s her. You can stop chasing her, she’s coming with us and there isn’t much room to run,” Gretchen says quickly. Shepard stills immediately giving Javik the opening he wants. He grips her shoulders tightly and like the second time he had grabbed her the images from the beacon sear across her mind. Javik releases her quickly like she’s burned him and he stares at her for a good few heartbeats. 

“You have a heavy burden to bare, Commander,” Javik tells her. Shepard swallows and nods. Her visions, or her life more like it, had scared Liara, but it seemed that for Javik it elicited respect. 

“Alright, let’s get ready people,” Gretchen calls out, she turns and looks at Shepard. “Your armor should be here as well.” 

 

The shuttle is a tighter fit with all of them inside and all armored up. Shepard holds onto the rail and just closes her eyes. The conversation is relatively the same, Wrex telling Gretchen how important this is and Gretchen surprisingly trying to get Wrex to agree to at least attempt diplomacy for the moment. A smile twitches at Shepard’s lips. Diplomacy had raced so far out the window the second the information hadn’t been prioritized and Wrex dropped out of the Kodiak. In her run she’d taken Garrus and EDI. That had been an adventure, but at least both of them had overload when her abilities failed to take down shields fully. 

Shepard opens her eyes just in time to watch as Wrex drops to the ground and blasts a Salarian with his biotics. Gretchen turns to Cortez and orders him to land. While she does Vakarian sidles up to Shepard and leans in close. 

“No heads up for the rogue Krogan?” he asks. Shepard smiles a little more. 

“A little surprise is good for you, Vakarian.” She turns her head. “Plus, it’s not a big deal you get the female anyway. Say hi to Kirrahe for me.” 

“The female?” he asks, “I thought there were multiple.” Shepard stills and then sighs. 

“There  _ were _ . Did you hear about Maelon?” She doesn’t say anymore, the look in Vakarian’s eyes and the way his mouth and mandibles move say more than enough. “Yeah, have fun.” 

Gretchen is already trying to placate the Salarians and Wrex at the same time when Shepard manages to step foot on Sur’Kesh. It’s just as beautiful as beautiful. Again that gets settled like it did in her experience. It feels odd that everything plays out the same even with a different Shepard at the helm. Perhaps the Catalyst was onto something in a way. Wiks tells them he’ll get their clearances, but before they can all walk in Gretchen turns to her. 

“You’re staying near the shuttle. I’ll call you if I need back up,” she orders. Shepard frowns and looks between Cortez, Vakarian, and Javik before turning back to Gretchen. 

“Why even bring me at all?” she asks. Gretchen snorts. 

“I don’t want you near my crew when I’m not there. Plus, I doubt you’ll run Cortez off ‘ _ for the good of us all _ ’” That comment stings a bit, but Shepard stands by it all. It is for the best that Liara is stationary and working on the Crucible. She has all the information, and Shepard hopes that she knows that the Citadel has to be hit before they can turn it into the Catalyst. Now that she thinks about it, she’ll have to send an email to her. 

“You’re not wrong there,” Shepard replies. Gretchen shakes her head. 

“Stay with Wrex and Cortez. Garrus, Javik come on.” Shepard watches as they move, as they do indeed talk to Captain--no it’s Major--Kirrahe. Vakarian glances back at her and Shepard waves. 

The second the alarms go off Wrex is about to hop in the shuttle, his shotgun drawn. Shepard climbs in with him. He looks back at her suspicious. 

“Take me to the fourth level, then you can dog fight all you want,” Shepard commands. Wrex bristles at her words. 

“Who in the hell do you think you are?” he demands. 

“The person who is going to make sure that Cerberus is cleared out of the final checkpoint. Now get there fast because they’re going to be closing in very soon.” Wrex looks over at Cortez and he holds his hands up. 

“She knows things,” Cortez says. Wrex grumbles and promises her that if she’s lying and if she’s betraying them she’s going to be in a world of hurt. Shepard just clenches her jaw and nods. It takes Cortez scanning everything before they can find where Baraka will be sent to. Wrex has half the mind to get down with her but decides against it. 

“Shepard doesn’t trust you and I won’t trust you to watch my back, but if you harm the female,” he threatens again. 

“I got it. Don’t worry, I want her alive as badly as you all do.” Shepard drops to the ground and Wrex takes off to do his own version of damage. The comms crackle in her ear as Wrex informs Gretchen as to what he did. 

“Emma, what are you doing?” Gretchen demands. 

“I’m making sure the final checkpoint is safe, you keep B--you keep the female alive for that long and I’ve got you cleared,” she answers. 

“Don’t worry Shepard, I’ve seen her use both her biotics and her gun,” Vakarian adds. 

Shepard hates how pleased she feels that he’s vouching for her. Despite all her struggles, he’s too much like her Garrus and it makes it worse every time he’s kind to her. However, she can hear the edge of frustration in Gretchen’s voice. 

“Fine! Just be there when we get to there.”

“Don’t take the elevator!” Shepard warns. Cerberus starts trickling in as they attempt to flood the place. Luckily for her the Salarians stop a good number of them before they’re taken out. Shepard flexes her fingers before she throws a warp. Cerberus’ shields at this point can’t handle the power she packs and they short out immediately. She draws out her shockwave and watches them all shoot into the sky screaming. It gets a bit hairy a couple of times when she doesn’t manage to catch an engineer or two. 

Shepard ducks behind some cover as her shields break around her. A biotic is only as good as their shields, after that it’s not pretty. She peeks over the edge of her cover to see two turrets staggered behind each other and in her ear Gretchen is ordering for Vakarian and Javik to protect Bakara. What she also hears is that they only have the final checkpoint to go through. 

“Fuck,” Shepard mutters under her breath. As quickly as she can, she moves from cover to cover and tosses warps as well as a few other tricks until all that’s left is two Assault Troopers trapped in the pull of her singularity. Her entire body is quaking and sweat drips down along her temple. All of her energy reserves feel like they’ve been used up completely. One of the trooper’s head explodes from a sniper shot as the squad arrives. Gretchen’s attack drone bounces around looking for more people to go after while Gretchen swaps her sniper rifle in for her sub-machine gun.

Vakarian lets out a laugh. It’s one she’s heard many times on the battlefield, especially when she’s impressed him. 

“You did as you promised,” he says. Shepard nods her head. She feels like she’s about to pass out right then and there. Behind them Mordin yells for Gretchen to set up the final transport. She glances behind Shepard and then back to her. 

“Thank you,” she says as she passes her. Shepard watches her go, turning around with a stumble, yet right as Gretchen okays the transport the ground beneath their feet rumbles as the Atlas is deployed. 

“Damn it!” Shepard curses. She had hoped that by clearing them out they would circumvent the Atlas fight. Every inch of her body is protesting as she runs towards the Atlas, but she’s also glowing. She can seen it as her hands raise. One of Vakarian’s bullets crack against the Atlas just seconds before the electricity of his overload short circuits the shield and Javik’s green biotics swarm the armor. Mustering up every ounce of strength she has, Shepard unleashes her strongest warp. Blue covers the machine entirely and eats at the rest of the armor. A burst of dizziness forms right beneath her brows. Shepard stumbles and her knees crack against the unforgiving ground, but she keeps her eyes open just long enough to see Gretchen set the machine on fire. 


	7. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken a while to get this out and sorry it's short. Honestly life has been hectic and I haven't had a lot of time to write/got a little stuck on how to move on from a scene. I hope you like it all the reviews give me life.

When she wakes up she hears Mordin talking. It’s not right because Mordin is dead, she watched him go to the top of the Shroud and she watched as it blew up. However, she isn’t having one of her nightmares either. There are no trees or echoing voices, and that child isn’t there running and playing only to be set up in flames.

Shepard stares at the med bay ceiling and listens as Mordin starts hypothesising what he needs to do to save “Eve”. She sits up slowly her head aching and her limbs still holding onto the exhaustion from the over exertion. 

“Ah, you’re awake. Good. Couldn’t have saved Eve without you. Wanted to thank, you,”  Mordin chatters the second he sees her. “Shepard worried. Wanted to talk to you. Told her you needed rest.” Shepard nods and lets a smile eek out. 

“Thanks I needed it.” 

“Yes. Of course. Exhausted self using biotics. Not critical, but needed medical attention. Ah, now can focus on Eve.” Shepard glances over at her and from what she can tell Bakara is the same that she had been in her time, but she’s not even sure she’d be able to tell if Bakara was dying or not. 

“Well, I’ll let you get to it.” 

“No need. Shepard wants to, no needs to, speak to you. Requested I inform her when you wake up,” Mordin replies. It feels like it’s been ages since she’d seen Mordin, like years had passed between them, but here he is standing in front of her. Shepard shakes her head, and he doesn’t even know her. She pushes her hair away from her face. Perhaps being on the ship, seeing all her own friends, hadn’t been the best idea. It’s bad enough with Vakarian, but with everyone else it’s just more salt on the wound. 

“Right. So I’ll just stay here,” Shepard says. Mordin nods his head in agreement and goes back to his work. One of these days she’ll stop expecting any sort of recognition from anyone. She really should be over it by now. However it’s still hard not to when everyone is just like her people. Her everythithng. 

Gretchen steps in, still in her dressed blues. Now she looks tired and exhausted. When she looks at Mordin, however, her eyes light up a little and she smiles. Mordin immediately starts chattering to her about Eve and what’s all going on. They’ve both pitched their voices down low, but Shepard knows exactly what they’re saying. Gretchen nods her head a couple of times before her voice returns to normal volume. 

“Does she check out, Mordin?” she asks. It’s not a tactic Shepard would have used with Eve, but Mordin doesn’t glance at her, instead he gaze falls on Shepard. 

“Yes. Checked her out. Minor exhaustion. Too much biotics. Stress on system. Should be alright now,” he agrees. 

“Okay, great. I’ll be back. Emma would you follow me to your new room?” Gretchen motions for her and Shepard can’t think for a few moments for what she means until she realizes the one fleeting comment Gretchen had made before Sur’Kesh. Liara’s old room. Shepard slides off from her bed and starts to follow Gretchen out. 

“Are you really putting me there?” she asks as the door closes. 

“In the XO cabin? Yes, I asked Garrus if he’d like to set up shop there, but he said he preferred being closer to the main battery. Shepard nods slowly, she rarely even got her Garrus away from his gun, she didn’t think Gretchen would have any more lucky than she did. “If someone I feel is more suitable for that space comes along we’ll find you another room.” 

“Of course,” Shepard says. She follows Gretchen past the kitchen and into Miranda/Liara’s old room. The screens are gone and it looks barren the only thing left is the screen where she could pick where the research should go to and the messages she could overlook. Shepard is hesitant to ask if she can spruce the area up and make it more liveable. “Is there a reason you brought me here first?” she asks. Gretchen stays quiet until the door seals shut behind her. 

“Primarch Victus is hiding something from me, and I know you know what it is. Wrex says there’s Rachni too, but it can’t be the queen agreed to never come back,” Gretchen explains. “I know you probably went through this. What is going on?” 

“It is Rachni, but it’s not the Queen’s fault she was captured. You’ll need to go and save her. As for Victus, what he’s hiding… he shouldn’t even say in an area that Wrex could hear,” Shepard begins. She tries to muster up the words to explain the political faux paux that Victus was being forced to face. If she’d known about it before hand she would have raced right to Victus and punched him in his face. “There’s a bomb on Tuchanka. It was set right after the Krogan Rebellions. Cerberus has it right now. It’s not a pretty situation, but Wrex can’t know about it right now. Also, you need to grab Victus’ son first. At least let him fix his mistake.” Gretchen stares at her, brown eyes incredulous and her mouth hanging open. 

“Are you kidding me?” 

“No, also there’s some canons on Tuchanka, old ones, you’ll need to get control over those again. If Hackett or Traynor hasn’t told you about those, those are important too.” Gretchen works her jaw and cards her hand through her hair. 

“Motherfucker,” she whispers. “You’ve done both before right?” Shepard nods and watches as Gretchen starts to pace the long empty room. She stops right before the bed and then turns around, clicking her tongue every so often. “Okay, okay. Here’s what we’ll do. You deal… I’m giving you Victus’ bullshit. I’m not touching that snafu, I’ll take care of the canons and the Rachni. I think I’d have a better chance there. However,” Gretchen pauses, “You dress like me. Pretend you’re me. I don’t want to fully show my cards until I’m ready.” 

“Okay, so then. Get the canons done when I do the first leg of the journey with Victus. I don’t deal with Cerberus until the second one. After that get out of the system, find the Rachni,” And Grunt, “and then come back to Tuchanka to finish it out.” Gretchen pauses for a moment in her pacing and just looks at Shepard. Her mouth crooks to the side and she smiles a little. 

“I never thanked you for Sur’Kesh. If you hadn’t, if you hadn’t helped out it would have been brutal,” Gretchen says. 

“It still was, I bet,” Shepard replies. Gretchen shakes her head. 

“I mean, it wasn’t a walk in the park. There were still all the other levels we had to fight up, but that last one. You were a major help there.” 

“I did what I could,” Shepard offers lamely. She has no idea what to really say about it. It’s one of the few things she can help with, and she can’t imagine being able to save Mordin or even Tarquin. She couldn’t even think of Legion at this moment. Shit she hoped Liara was working whatever magic they could to save Thessia, Shepard can’t imagine going through a second Thessia. 

“I’m, I’m sorry I kept you out of the deliberations,” Gretchen tells her softly. “It was petty of me.” Shepard shakes her head. A smile cracks at the edge of her lips. 

“I’d do the same thing. Trust me. I don’t like people stepping in on my command more than anyone else.” Gretchen’s smile is tentative and wobbly, but she bobs her head up and down none the less. 

“Right. Anyway, let’s talk strategy so Sur’Kesh doesn’t happen again. Okay?” Gretchen asks. The move itself knocks Shepard off center. She expected some sort of bonding or mending of the bridges. Maybe Gretchen would ask her for advice every now and then, but to share strategies? That was a little further than she expected. 

“Sure. Of course.” Shepard turns except there’s absolutely nowhere to sit. Maybe on the bare bed. Gretchen turns and glances at where her eyes landed before snorting. She tucks a few strands behind her ears before taking a few steps towards the desk and perching on the edge. A laugh bubbles out of Shepard a little and she takes the chair pushing it back. She’ll give Gretchen the higher ground this time. Pressing her foot against the desk, Shepard looks up at her and raises her brows. 

“Thoughts on who should go on what mission?” Gretchen asks. “I mean you’ve done this before who did you take?” 

Garrus. Always Garrus. He watched her six every time she stepped out of that shuttle if she could help it. Sometimes she’d switch up her secondary maybe if the mission seemed like it’d be a rough one it would either be Garrus and James or Garrus and Ash. 

Her silence must say something because Gretchen nods her head and makes an ‘ah’ sound. 

“You might want to take Garrus you need someone for long distance and he can pick between the cover well enough,” Shepard offers up softly. She wants him on her team. No, she wants Garrus on her team the one who loves her, Vakarian hardly knows her. 

“I don’t need Garrus to be my sniper. I’m a sniper myself,” Gretchen corrects her. Right, right she is. She’d never really seen an engineer main a sniper and a sub-machine gun, but if she thinks back on Sur’Kesh that was exactly what Gretchen had been toting around. “He’d say I learned all my tricks from the best.” Gretchen tells her a laugh at the edges of her words. “Anyway, you’re dealing with Turian command, you should take Garrus. He’d feel more helpful there.” Shepard can’t disagree there, Garrus had been in his element at that moment. Talking about Turian Command, he’d been the one to really point out that nothing was as it seemed. 

“Okay, so if you’re the sniper,” Shepard tries to form her thoughts around what she often supported Garrus with. Herself obviously so a damn good biotic and a tech or a bruiser. Except All Gretchen has on her team is EDI, James, and Javik. 

“Then I’m taking Javik and EDI. EDI’s Decoy can set up my shots for me and Javik can pull people out of hiding. Plus I have my drones and my turret,” Gretchen says. Looking up, Shepard furrows her brows, it doesn’t sound like Gretchen needed her tactical brain in any sense of the way. 

“Right, that sounds good.” 

“And you’ll have James and Garrus for your push. Do you need them for both?” Gretchen asks. She picks at her pant leg as she speaks. 

“We’ll just have to see. I’d suggest James go with you, when you see Gr-when you check out the Rachni. His techniques can help you.” 

“The way he makes things go boom?” Shepard laughs a little at that. It’d been her exact reasoning for him. The stress of running so low on fuel for the flamethrowers had made her a jittery mess then entire mission. A couple of time she had tried using her biotics to fix it all, but she’d exhausted herself more than making a decent dent. The memories of those dank, musty caverns flittered through her mind as well as the injuries that came from it. Garrus had nearly gone down twice on her. She’d slapped medi-gel on him, thankful that it didn’t matter that he wasn’t levo based. 

“Yeah that’d be good too. EDI wouldn’t be bad either, she has some extra flame power,” Shepard adds. Both of them fall silent for a bit, Gretchen watches her with those dark eyes before she leans back against the wall. 

“We’ll have to see how this works out. If it does, well maybe we can do this more often,” Gretchen offers. A trial basis then, Shepard notes. Gretchen trusts her enough to deal with the blackblash of what will happen with the Turians, but then again she’s done it before and from what she’s shown. Perhaps Gretchen actually does trust her fully now after it all. 

“Alright then this will be our test run.” Gretchen hops off of the desk and starts immediately for the door. It opens immediately and she pauses, turning her head. 

“Emma,” she begins, “I’m really counting on this to work.” The way she says it, Shepard is almost certain she can hear the wavering of uncertainty. Had she sounded like that at times? Had Garrus been able to listen to that thread of worry and uncertainty as it drifted between her words. She swallows and nods. 

“I am too, don’t worry. I’ll fight to make this work.”

 

“Hey, Angel, sounds like I’ll be partying with you,” James says. The way he walks up to her and smiles reminds her of old times even though the nickname isn’t right. She returns her attention to her gun. Somehow Gretchen’s managed to procure a lot of extras for their use. 

“Yeah, you get to be that lucky,” she teases. Next to her pistol and sub-machine gun rests the armor. Or Gretchen’s armor style. It’s purple and adorned with a lot of lights. None of it is exactly Emma’s style, she’d always gone for the white armor if she could. She taps a finger against the hard armor. “Hey, James,” she starts out saying, flicking her gaze towards him. He immediately looks back at her. 

“Yeah? What’s up?” he asks. 

“You still go to the Armax Arsenal Arena?” To his credit he only looks mildly confused with her question. 

“Uh, yeah, I do. Why are you asking Angel? You can blow off all your steam at these missions. Plus, there’s more adrenaline when it’s real,” he says and gestures towards the weapons and armor. 

“It’s just that I have a good authority that they might just have some Banshee armor lying around and if we maybe break the score board I could perhaps get my hands on it,” Shepard explains. James lets out a loud whistle. 

“I’m guessing you’re saying that because you’ve done it,” he says. 

“Got it in one. So you up for it? Next time we drop off at the Citadel?” She tries to calculate it in her head if they’ll be going there soon. She kind of hopes they are because maybe then she can wear the Banshee costume and Cerberus will just be even more confused. Plus then they could all pretend she was just some random Cerberus defector. 

“Sure. We should be doing that soon though. Shepard wants to load up on some more supplies before we drop off in two different places. The Kodiak isn’t built for consecutive drops and well she wants it to be. Esteban said he’d get it done,” James pitches his voice louder for Cortez to hear. 

“Just you wait, Mr. Vega, I’ll have the Kodiak up and running for multiple runs,” Cortez shoots back. 

“So, who do you want to join with us?” James asks. Shepard falls silent for a few moments, she runs through who all is possible and tries not to think of who she wants the most. 

“Actually, I was thinking maybe Vakarian? Have a test run to see if we all work well together,” she says. James gives her a funny look. One crossed with ‘we’ll pretend that’s your reason’ and ‘what are you really up to?’, however he lets her get away with it. 

“Okay, Angel, we’ll have it your way.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I got the idea of Armax because when I attempted to get back in the mood of ME I started messing around in the Citadel DLC and got that armor.


	8. Armax Arsenal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from a semi haitus. Anyway, I apologize profusely for any mistakes in this chapter. I just wanted to get something out, I'll come back and pretty it up later. I promise and next Chapter will FINALLY be the mission. Let me know of any mistakes in canon and other things.

Again the Citadel is exactly the same, Shepard swear she sees the same people in the same places she did in her time. Somehow her and James have managed to coax Vakarian into going to the Arena with them. As they were leaving Gretchen had shot her and amused smile and waved them off before leaving the Normandy as well. Shepard assumes it’s to visit Thane and perhaps Kaidan as well. Part of her wonders if Kaidan knows about Thane, if he’s still hopeful that there can be something between Gretchen and himself again. It’s not of her business, she knows this, but it’s something she wonders. If she had made that choice, if she had fallen for the safe boy instead of admiring Garrus from the beginning, would she have saved Kaidan without a second thought? 

“How realistic is this game?” Vakarian asks. All three of them are suiting up, Shepard in her borrowed armor from Gretchen. 

“It’s pretty realistic except they kind of go full elite when you have this mode up. None of those babies. You sure you want to do Cerberus on Super Elite? They throw guys that I’ve never seen before, Angel,” James says. He’s pressing in the buttons just as she tells him to get the enough points. 

“Yeah, Dragoons aren’t bad. I just slap them with warp and they go down pretty fast,” Shepard answers. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the way Vakarian’s mandibles twitch and her mind helpfully reminds her that Garrus always had a thing about her talking battle strategy and about her powers. Sometimes they would relax on the couch and she’d start talking about using her Paladin and then mixing it with warp or singularity. Sometimes she’d go one about the specs of her mods and well often times they’d end up in bed together. 

Shepard swallows hard and chides herself the second she wants to keep going just to see how Vakarian will react. It isn’t fair to him or her memory of Garrus. “Anyway, sign us in under Shepard’s squad and we’ll probably get our prizes.” James laughs, tilting his head back as he does. 

“Oh, Angel, I’m way ahead of you there. There’s no way they’d give out grand prizes to random marines. At least we got Scars here to make us seem even more legitimate,” James adds. At his side Vakarian actually does laugh and he looks at the both of them. 

“Glad to be of service. Now shall we?” He motions towards the elevators. They all pile in, Shepard checking her guns again and then her helmet. She places it on her head even before they get to the arena. As the announcement carries on she can feel the crackle of her abilities at her fingertips. James switches on his incendiary ammo on his shotgun. On the other hand, Vakarian just sits with his weak assault rifle in his hands. 

“Hey,” Shepard calls to him. Vakarian turns his head. “You might want to use the sniper.” Vakarian also has his helmet on, so she can’t read his face but his body is telling her enough; he’s hesitant to follow her direct orders but can’t find a reason not to. Slowly, Vakarian does switch to his sniper rifle. 

“Those are ammo drops, right?” Vakarian asks. 

“Yeah, they are. Don’t worry,” Shepard finds herself slipping easily back into the motions, but she shouldn’t be. While Vakarian trusts her after Sur’Kesh, like everyone else, it doesn’t mean much. It all could change after Cerberus and the Citadel. 

The countdown for the match begins and Shepard slips behind cover. Vakarians follows suit a couple of spaces back while James pushes forward. Guardians and Centurions appear just before one throws up a smoke screen. Right before they had been completely blocked from view, Shepard manages to pull a shield away. James storms into the cloud. She moves to stand to go after him, they don’t have medi-gel on this run, but a noise Vakarian makes causes her to pause. 

“I got him covered,” he says. Shepard smiles behind her helmet. What she wants to say is thank you, but it feels out of place even on the fake battlefield. Instead she sets up choke points, forcing even the shielded enemies to stumble back. For a while that works until the computer states that round two is commencing. The countdown begins but right to her left is the red symbols of enemy spawning areas. Shepard bites back a curse, she breaks cover and starts hauling towards James. An arm wraps around her middle and drags her to the center isle of cover just as the telltale whine of a Nemesis laser is punctuated with the bullet being released. Shepard finds herself pressed up against Vakarian. 

She can be professional, she was professional with Garrus. On the field they were teammates. He had her back and she had his. They left all the romance and emotions for when they were in private. It’s just been so long. She wants to melt against him. Let him take the weight for two minutes before she picks it back up. She can’t though. This isn’t Garrus, this is Vakarian and he’s just learning to trust her. None of this can mix and get complicated. It has to stay this way. 

“Thank you,” she says, this time, as she pulls away from him. Vakarian lets her go easily, and by the time she’s peering around her edge he’s already at his side and sniping the unlucky ones in his sight. Shepard stands and starts slamming her abilities against their enemies, barely touching her gun, until she start feeling the fatigue pull at her muscles, but by then the third round is already underway and there’s one last enemy to go. Shepard starts to muster up more energy, yet right as she does Vakarian takes the final shot. 

“I love this rifle,” he comments coming to her side. James is right beside her panting and grinning. 

“Damn, Angel, that was fun. So when do we get the prize?” he asks. Shepard doesn’t answer him, her eyes are on the score board: 99,999. They did it. 

“Yes!” She cheers. Before she can stop herself she’s hugging Vakarian. He seems just as stunned as she is. Heat flares up in her cheeks--thankfully they’re still covered by her helmet--she turns to hug James to cover it up but he’s already ten feet away hollering. Vakarian clears his throat. 

“We should go see if we actually managed to grab that armor,” he suggests quietly. Shepard nods, more than ready to get away from this situation. She knocks her shoulder against James’ to get him moving. There’s only a tinge of guilt when James stumbles forward, but he laughs it off and heads off to check his mail. 

“Pendejos!” James yells as he smacks the side of the console. “Apparently even though we’ve broken their damn scoreboard they have nothing to give us!” He smacks it again before Shepard pushes him to the side. 

“That can’t be it,” she says. Her eyes scan over the wording but there it is right on the fifth line, their condolences that they don’t have anything to give them for their tremendous play, however if anything comes along they’ll be sure to send it their was as Armax Arsenal doesn’t want anyone to think they don’t have pride in their players. “Shit. It is.” James snorts and shakes his head. 

“Yeah, guess you don’t remember everything, Angel,” he retorts. Again Vakarian clears his throat and both of their heads snap in his direction. 

“Did you get it this early?” he asks. Shepard shakes her head. “That’s probably it. It’s not available. Just set it up so Emma can get it when it shows up.” Shepard works her mouth because that hadn’t occurred to her at all. Give it to Vakarian to think up of things she misses. 

“Alright, sounds good. They better give me something good if it isn’t for Angel,” James says. He starts typing in his response and request.

“I need a drink after that disappointment. Who’s with me?” James asks. There’s a likelihood that Vakarian won’t come. He’s probably itching to go back to the Holding Docks and check in on the Turians. 

“Sounds good.” “Yeah, I’d like that.” They speak at the same time and right as they do Shepard’s eyes go a little widers and she feels like she should take it all back. Laugh it off and say just kidding before hiding back inside of the Normandy. Except the idea itself is just nothing she’d normally do. She doesn’t run even from the man who looks exactly like the one she’s in love with and probably basically is the one she’s in love with and it’s all a mess. Shepard doesn’t run, it’s not in her blood. Hell she’s faced down a Reaper multiple times and is planning on doing it again. 

“Alright. C’mon it’s time for cervezas, or whatever you drink, Scars,” James jokes. He leads the way back through the  lockers so they can change out of their gear. Shepard laments on the loss of the armor early on, but keeps it mostly to herself. Perhaps if she’s lucky Armax will remember and send it to her anyway even if James and Vakarian end up disapproving of her. Or she gets thrown off the Normandy. 

 

James takes them to Purgatory because of course he does. They’ve passed up the perfectly okay Silver Coast Casino for his favorite haunts. Then again, if she remembers right the drinks were always pricier there and it’s probably for the best. She doesn’t really want to drink with Vakarian in the spot where she and Garrus had their only “normal” date. 

Around them the music pulses and everyone is dancing like there’s not a war, typical Citadel behavior. James orders them all a round. 

“The strong stuff since we worked our asses off and got screwed,” he explains as he slams down his credits. Shepard lifts her glass. 

“No complaints here,” she says. James laughs and downs his drink quickly before he’s approached by another soldier. From what little she can hear over the music it sounds like the soldier knows James works with The Shepard. It still feels strange not to be recognized. 

On her other side Garrus has his back against the bar and is watching everyone. There’s something about the way his facial plates are moving that clues her in. 

“Different from seeing all the refugees, huh?” she asks him. He turns his head and the plates above his eyes shift. 

“Yes it’s pretty jarring. You’re very eerie when you do that,” he comments. 

“Read you?” she asks, and he grunts his response. So, yes then. Shepard wonders for a moment if she should tone it down more, pretend she can’t tell when he’s mad, happy, or confused. Except she can’t remember what it was like when she didn’t know what he was feeling. It happened a lot their first year as teammates while they were chasing Saren, but by the end of it all she knew more often than not what he meant by a few mandible twitches and plate movements. 

“Yeah,” Vakarian agrees. 

“I can pretend I don’t,” she says. The words feel awkward in her mouth. 

“No,” Vakarian replies quickly. His mandibles flare out quickly before pressing back again his jaw. “No, it’s fine. Really. I’m just not used to someone knowing me as well as you do. Not when I don’t know them just as well.” Part of her instincts tell her to just open up to him, level the playing field.

Shepard takes a large sip and looks at him fully. 

“You haven’t been too shy about asking me things,” she reasons. 

“No, I haven’t but I really haven’t asked you everything.” Vakarian answers. 

“What is it that you want to know that you don’t know? I thought you heard about Thane’s message.” Vakarian falls silent and she feels a bit of guilt welling in her chest. 

“I only heard secondhand about that. Shepard kept most of the details close to her chest,” Vakarian says after a while. 

“Right.” She takes another swig of her drink. “Ask me something then, Vakarian.” He bobs his head and takes a good long drink of his own alcohol. 

“Why Vakarian?” he asks. That hits hard in the chest. Out of everything that wasn’t something she expected. “I assume you had a similar relationship with the other me that Shepard has with me.” Shepard swallows hard. 

“I did. I do. You’re Vakarian because he’s Garrus. Like to me I’m Shepard and she’s Gretchen. It’s so I keep everythign straight in my head,” she answers. 

“So, Vega is Vega and Thane is Krios to you in your time?” Shepard curses under her breath. He’s perseptive and she’s always known that in some of the worst ways he is. It’s because he’s a sniper. What he can’t see is that she’s utterly in love with his other self--or perhaps him as well. He can pick up on her slipping of names though. 

“No, it’s complicated,” Shepard answers. “You’re… we’re… my Garrus and I are very close. It’d be odd to call anyone else by his name that I’m not that close to.” 

“Especially his doppleganger.” 

“Bingo.” Shepard drains her drink. “Tell James thanks for the drinks. I have an old friend to visit while we’re still here.” Vakarian refrains from questioning what  _ Old Friend _ she could be talking about. It really doesn’t make any sense, but Shepard needs to get out of there for the moment. The line of questioning coming from him makes her feel like she’s a second from telling him her feelings. 

 

The Ashley Williams Memorial is just as painful as the Kaidan Alenko one had been and she hadn’t even been there for her death. The decision hadn’t been hers to make this time around. Still there’s a hollow feeling in her chest when she thinks about Ashley. Sure they didn’t always see eye to eye and Ash had troubles sometimes not insulting the Aliens, but they had been two Marines ready to kick ass and take names. 

“Hey, Ash,” Shepard says. She touches the memorial gently making sure not to disturb or ruin anything. “I really miss you. Don’t get me wrong seeing Kaidan is pretty amazing. It’s impressive to see what he’s become. He’s a Major now. Can you believe that? He’s a higher rank than me, but it doesn’t really help that I died and well that I’m not Shepard.” She runs a hand over her face. 

“It’s really weird to talk to you but not really have you here to sass back at me, but I should be used to being disappointed. I mean there’s a Garrus here and of course while he’s not taken he’s not exactly available. I’m going to work with him soon though. Shepard and Vakarian, but you know not who this Universe considers  _ Shepard and Vakarian _ ,” she says. Her voice keeps getting lower and lower as she talks. 

“I’m making some hard decisions. The kind that’d make you call me a cold hearted bitch, but someone has to make the tough choices. The Citadel won’t get its ass in gear if they don’t get hit, and I need them to be ready. I need them to believe if we can evacuate them before the Reapers grab this whole station and take it for a joyride.” The hollowness in her chest throbs hard. 

“I can’t let this world down. I don’t know if I let mine down. I could be dead in there and Garrus is going to have to move on or I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going to make sure the Catalyst doesn’t hold all the cards and neither do the Reapers. I’m going to work hard to prevent Thessia.” 


	9. Tuchanka pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy it. It hasn't been run through a rigorous editing process so I'm sorry for mistakes I'll comb back through this soon, I promise!

Beneath her feet the shuttle rumbles. Her face feels too hot enclosed in Gretchen’s old helmet. It’s still strange to wear purple into the battlefield as opposed to her pure white, but she isn’t Emma right now. She’s Gretchen. James knocks his shoulder against hers. 

“You ready for this, Angel?” He asks. Shepard glances at him through the slot of her helmet. 

“Ready for the mission? Hell yes. Ready to pretend to be Commander Gretchen Shepard? Absolutely not. I’m going to be sick,” she answers. James laughs. 

“You’ll be fine. Lola will get her side finished and you’ll get yours. I’ve seen you in battle,” he reasons. Behind them, Vakarian keeps silent. Not having his chatter in her ear makes this all feel a little more off kilter. The second she has her boots on the ground, it’s like the world shifts. 

It’s the same. 

Dust scatters out from where she lands. Tuchanka, again. Last time she’d been here it’d felt like she could only be reactionary. 

“So, a bomb?” Vakarian asks. Shepard swallows hard. 

“Yeah, but we’re not dealing with that right now. Right now we have to get Tarquin out,” she explains. If she can help it she’s going to save him. 

“This isn’t going to be pretty for him,” Vakarian says. She knows exactly what is supposed to follow next, but there’s a hitch in his voice. “But you know that already.” 

“Yeah,” Shepard agrees. James stands to her left a bit back and swivels his head her way. 

“Someone wanna clue me in then?” Shepard glances at Vakarian and sees for the first time since she got ground side that he’s staring at her. The only visible part of her face is her eyes, and only if someone looks closely. They even had EDI cook up a voice modulator so that she sounds exactly like Gretchen when she speaks. 

Maybe that’s it, maybe it’s strange when he knows she isn’t Gretchen--though Vega rolls with it well. Shepard shakes her head, she’s thinking too much. Action is where she works better. It’s where her head starts to clear and problems become less of the mess that they are. 

“It’s bad news for the Primarch. Promoting family members when they don’t earn it is frown upon in Turian culture,” Vakarian explains. James hums. 

“Alright. So nepotism isn’t something you guys do. Good to know,” James comments. 

“It’s not something you want to get caught doing,” Vakarian amends. Shepard looks back at him, just like before none of this settles well on him. He believes in Victus, sees an unconventional Turian and doesn’t feel so out of bounds. 

“He has his reasons,” she says softly. Vakarian looks at her, really looks at her hard like he’s trying to piece it all together. 

“The bomb,” Vakarian states. 

“Yeah, Turian made right after the Krogan Rebellion. Put them down hard,” she quotes him and he doesn’t even know it. Or maybe he realizes it’s something he’d say exactly because Vakarian startles a little. “Massive political blunder now..” she trails off.

“But damn smart back then,” Vakarian finishes. 

“The Krogan are gonna be pissed,” James says. There was no question about it. The memory of Wrex getting into Victus’ face is still seared into her mind. Along with everything else she had to deal with in the past year. 

“Let’s go boys. We have lives depending on us,” Shepard says. This time she doesn’t need either of them to point out openings. She vaults over and takes out the Reaper forces with her biotics. Her force fields crush bones and cartilage as well as whatever tech they’ve been infused with. 

A group of husks rush them and her instincts kick in. She throws out a ball of singularity  and moves to equip her SMG when a pop sounds beside her. Shepards watches just as a a chunk of flesh and whatever else explodes out of the body. 

“Thanks for the set up,” Vakarian says. He’s starting to sound cocky, closer to how Garrus sounded if she’s honest. Just for a second she allows herself to look back at him, but he’s already heading off to shoot a few more Husks. Over the comms she can hear as he and James trade barbs about how many of what they’ve gotten. The taunting gets pretty impressive up until the Harvester makes its first appearance. 

“Oh, shit! It’s a Harvester!” James yells. He’s ducking for cover by the second syllable and Vakarian plasters himself up against a broken column. Shepard vaults over one of the fallen columns and pulls the sniper she packed just for this occasion out from behind her back--plus it fit the image of Gretchen more--and hunkers down behind another fallen piece of architecture rifle out. Muscle memory kicks in quickly and she’s pumping as many rounds as she can into the beast’s chest and head. 

One of the blasts nearly catches her right in the face and upper chest, but she’s already pressing low to the ground. Except when she pops up she sees the Harvester start beating its powerful wings, ready to take off. 

“Shit,” she breathes out. There’s only two shots left in her rifle before she has to siphon out heat sinks from her SMG. Shepard fires one and it catches it in the flank. There’s a shudder that rips through the beast’s body and she knows she’s so close. She levels her gun and as she shoots two bursts sound behind her. The Harvester crashes to the ground hard. 

Shepard presses her body hard against the ground as the explosion take out nearly everything in it’s radius. 

“Holy shit, Angel! That was, I’ve never seen a biotic so chill with a rifle in battle!” James says. He claps her on the back before holding his hand out for her to take it. “I think you might give Scars here a run for his money.” Behind them Vakarian scoffs. 

“Not even close, Vega,” he retorts. The comment doesn’t have the curtness she expects and it’s far more good natured than she thinks she deserves, but it make her chest feel warm. 

“I’m working on it,” she finds herself joking right back. It feels closer to normal, closer to her world. 

“I can tell,” Vakarian quips. Did she just imagine that flirtatious trill in his words? She must have because there is no way in hell that Vakarian is flirting with him. She wants to retort with a tease, but all the words that come to her mind are too flirty, they take it too far, they’re something that she’d say to Garrus. Instead Shepard just laughs. She wants to tell him to keep watching, but the words die in her throat. Not Garrus. He’s Garrus, but he isn’t at the same moment. He’s not hers. 

“Let’s get on with this,” Shepard tells them. 

 

They meet up with Another Harvester right before finding Tarquin. It startles her if she’s honest. She’d thought last time, in her time, that it had been the same one dogging her the entire way. 

“Another one?” Vakarian shouts. He shoulds as incredulous as she feels and even further behind them she can hear James letting out a stream of curses. 

Shepard looks down at her weaponry, for the most part she’s been able to salvage a few heat sinks from rubble and debris, unfortunately most of them have made it into her SMG and not the rifle. An explosion sounds to her left as the whatever the hell it is the Harvester shoots out slams into more of Tuchanka’s debris. Along with it is the sounds of what’s left of Tarquin’s team. She checks the level of the sniper rifle. It’s not enough but it’s all she can do. Shepard breaks from cover only for a moment before finding a taller pillar to press her back against. The pillar itself shakes under the onslaught from the harvester and it’s new cannibal buddies that have just slammed into the ground. 

It’s all too much and too little at the same time. Just as she’s about to peek around the corner with her hands glowing someone presses against her hard and it only takes her a second to immediately recognize that someone as Vakarian. 

Shepard licks her lips trying to gain some semblance of what she wants to tell him. If this were Garrus he’d know exactly what she was about to do. What crazy shit she had in her mind, but she needs to stop going down this path. What she needs to do is trust Vakarian and to work with him. 

“I’m going to throw a warp at this beast. It probably won’t work well, they’re plated with armor, but here’s to hoping,” Shepard says. Vakarian looks up at her, at least she’s pretty sure he does since that’s the way his helmet is angled. 

“Understood.” Something’s passed between them. Something different. Shepard takes in a deep breath and throws the warp out. Her limbs shake at the movement and she can’t quite muster up another warp or really anything. Not even when the cannibals start crowding forward. Their screeches echo in her ears. Shepard grabs for her SMG, her fingers shake, at her side Garrus is already unloading on the Harvester. 

“I got them Angel!” James shouts over the coms. Shepard flicks her gaze towards where she last saw him. It’s hard to spot James between the rubble, but her eyes catch movement and she sees him flanking the cannibals. 

“Take them out,” she commands. The crack from his shotgun is the only answer she gets. It’s good enough. 

In front of them, the harvester explodes taking out all of its friends. The shockwaves sends Shepard onto her ass and knocks the air out of her. 

“Emma!” Garrus yells. She tries to tell him she’s fine, but her body is still stunned from the hit. Her muscles aren’t quite responding. It doesn’t help that nothing seems right. She’s staring up at a strange sky instead of the Citadel. Did she get  out? Did he somehow pull her out of it. No, he was hurt and on the Normandy. “Emma!” Garrus leans over her, his face covered by his helmet. Were they on a hostile planet then? No, no, she was on the Citadel. Shepard reaches up, her fingers--still encased in her armor--brush against Garrus’ helmet.

Fuck. No. She isn’t on the Citadel, this isn’t Garrus, this is Vakarian. Shepard snatches her hand back and let’s out startled breath. 

“Shit, that rang me like a bell,” she says. Vakarian hauls her up to her feet and slaps some medi-gel on her--he doesn’t mention the touch thankfully. 

“Holy hell, Angel, you good?” James asks.  Shepard nods. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a little stunned. We’ll have Doctor Chakwas check me out after. Right now we have to get Tarquin. We’re just about done,” she reasons. “With this half.” James just swears a little bit more and Vakarian won’t look at her. Whatever they had for that brief second has just been screwed over by her inability to hold it together. Perhaps this could be the time in her life that Vakarian was oblivious as hell. Though what she did was pretty obvious about something at the very least. 

“Let’s go finish this up,” Vakarian says finally. 

 

It feels like deja vu with Tarquin. She says the same rousing speech, he reacts the same way, but it all feels hollow this time. She wants to save him. Fuck, she wants to save him bad. He’s too young to die, and he’s a good soldier. Shepard turns to Vakarian, she wants to ask him right there if the only way Tarquin can make it right is by his death. He’s looking at her, or at least his helmet is turned her way, but the second she’s facing him he turns away. 

“We’ll meet up with you,” Tarquin tells her, just like last time. Shepard nods and agrees. The feeling sinks lower, if she can’t let Tarquin go how in the hell can she even manage Mordin or even Thane. The simple answer would be she won’t let either of them, but it isn’t that simple. How can she stop Mordin from going up? Thane is predisposed to dying at some point. If she was lucky she could prolong his life. If she played her cards right perhaps she could knock Kai Leng off balance. Take the bastard out then. If she were to reveal herself she’d have to make sure Kai Leng doesn’t get back to the Illusive Man. Might even make Thessia easier. 

“Angel?” James questioning tone  knocks her out of her thoughts. She turns her head back towards him. “You ready to head to the rendezvous point?” Shepard wracks her brain to think of a reason why she should go with Tarquin instead of her team, but nothing sounds good. Plus with the way she’d been acting, she can’t imagine Vakarian would let her go. He’s basically Gretchen’s second. He’d report it straight to her, and she was supposed to be Gretchen. In her own time and place, she’d never let James and Garrus go on their own without her for that long of stretch. 

“Yeah, I’m good to go. Let’s replenish everything and then meet up with Tarquin stat,” Shepard orders. James gives a short nod. He calls in Cortez and Shepard can’t help but glance at Vakarian as she climbs into the shuttle. He’s looking towards her, but somehow she can tell it’s not at her. Perhaps she’s just projecting onto him though. It’s not like he’s the same as hers. 

She switches out her guns deciding that a pistol and the sniper will be the best for this. There’s part of her that wishes she did had Gretchen’s skills as an engineer.  Then she could easily lay down traps for the enemy, perhaps maybe even keep most of Tarquin’s team from dying in the process. 

“Cerberus has armed the bomb already, when Tarquin attempts to disarm it it’ll just keep going. We need to find a way around it,” Shepard explains as Cortez takes them to the next LZ. “It’ll also malfunction and end with Tarquin’s death.” James lets out a whistle. 

“Damn, Angel, you really don’t do a soft sell do you?” 

“What if we manually do it?” Vakarian asks. 

“Tarquin tries, he dies doing it and the bomb doesn’t go off,” Shepard answers. Vakarian hums and shifts his weight--he still doesn’t look at her and she can tell more easily with his helmet by his side. 

“So, we’re trying to stop the bomb and save his life?” The way Vakarian says it makes him sound a bit incredulous that she’s even considering it, but then again he’s just gone through Gretchen pulling Victus out of the fray to help the many against the few. It doesn’t seem like her style. 

“Please, just, just help me with this,” Shepard reasons. Vakarian’s mandibles flare. He doesn’t like it, and they both know it. However, he’s assuming she has something grander than just one life. If he knew the truth, she’s not sure he would be helping all that much. 

“Alright, what do we do?” James asks. 

“We have to keep Tarquin from going down with the ship. If he can walk me through perhaps I can stay up there with him? Or I can cover him? Suggest that Cerberus set up a back-up so he’s ready for it?” Neither Vakarian nor James have an answer for her. They just stare for a moment and sigh. 

“How about we try with you up there with him. We can cover,” Vakarian agrees finally. With that settled, Shepard starts talking strategy on how to deal with the oncoming waves of Cerberus until she and Tarquin get the bomb dealt with. 

 

Her stomach sinks and she feels like she’s walking on eggshells. It’s all going too well. She’s on top of the bomb with Tarquin, using bits and pieces of the structure itself as cover as she snipes people. The only thing keeping her from shaking is all of her training and the fact that she’s managed to keep one for Tarquin’s men alive. He’s crouched beside her, helping her pick off whoever he can. She hasn’t quite caught his name, but after all this is all done she’ll have to buy the poor guy a drink. If he makes it. 

Behind her Tarquin is attempting to work around whatever Cerberus has done--now that he knows that they’ve done something about it--but he’s cursing and muttering under his breath. 

“You alright back there?” she asks. 

“He better be.” She hears to her right. Somewhere below her, Shepard can vaguely track the sounds from Vakarian and James. They’re setting out the traps like she’s instructed. It feels odd to be able to track the movements of the enemy. 

The ground shudders. 

“Atlas landed,” Vakarian says over the coms. Shepard switches to her infared scope and hunkers down. There’s nervous energy at the bomb, well there was always nervous energy it just intensifies with the shaking from the Atlas. One some level she wants to assure everyone it will be okay, but she’s not sure it will be. She’s got two dead men walking. There’s an explosion on the battlegrounds. “Atlas down,” Vakarian confirms. 

Shepard turns towards Tarquin, his hands look like they’re shaking and all his movements studder with anxiety. It’s taking too long he should’ve been done by now. She didn’t plan for Cerberus to have more time. Her mind races through all the things she can do, and it’s a big stretch, a huge one really but it might as well work. 

“Just do it how you normally would!” She orders Tarquin. “You!” She points to Tarquin’s man, “Cover me!” She races up the bomb despite everyone shouting at her. It’s stupid, she’s being stupid but here’s hoping biotics can do something for her. Both Liara and Samara had done it, perhaps she has just enough biotic juice to do it too. 

She pulls the cell out and listens for the malfunctioning one to screech. Her heart leaps into her throat and she makes her move. There’s someone in her ear trying to talk her down as she swings her body over the plate and tears the panel with her biotics. 

Careful, she reminds herself, conserve. She pulls one fuel cell and like with Tarquin the bomb shudders. Vakarian is yelling at her along with James. She pulls the second and the plating comes off. 

Maybe death here wouldn’t be so bad, except then everyone would think Gretchen died. It wouldn’t be the first time, but she can’t do that. Shepard musters up everything she has to attempt to control the biotics that wrap around her body. It works for probably ten seconds before it snaps and she’s free falling. 

“Emma!” Her instincts kick in the same ones that saved her from that Maw on Akuze. Maybe that’s what brought her here? Her complete unwillingness to die. Her boitics wrap tightly around her and she slams against the ground right outside the bomb area. It hurts to breathe, it feels like she’s back in the Citadel nearly dead. “Emma!” Her body shudders. 

 

They transport her to the med bay, perhaps this should be her new home. Gretchen isn’t back yet, she’s still cleaning up Rachni with Grunt, so she can’t be dressed down by her yet. It doesn’t stop Vakarian from glowering at her the best he can. During the ride he’d kept silent, but he’d kept close. On the other hand James had been shaking and telling her how badass that was. Also she scared the shit out of him. 

“You nearly died,” Vakarian says finally. 

“I did,” Shepard agrees. He stands fully.

“You want to die,” he accuses. It feels like he slapped her when he says that. She wants to, no, she doesn’t she tries to tell herself. If she wanted to die she wouldn’t have survived that. Except she barely survived that. 

“No, I don’t,” she answers. Vakarian lets out a bitter laugh. 

“Is that why you took a suicide mission?” he asks. 

“Well, you know, I’m usually taking the suicide missions. Ilos, Omega 4, hell where this war ends,” Shepard replies. His mandibles flare. 

“I can read the signs, Emma,” he says. It’s all she hears from him before he turns and leaves the med bay. The words sound foreboding. The signs. What signs is she showcasing that he’s seeing. 

“He found out he cared about you,” Bakara says from her table. Shepard whips her head to look at her. “Probably just found out how much.” It doesn’t make sense. She hasn’t known him long enough. It took so long before she and Garrus had come to terms with their feelings and they still tried to pass it off as something less than it was. Maybe he’s also projecting but instead of a doppelganger it’s Gretchen. The thought makes her want to throw up. 

“No, it’s not that,” Shepard tries. 

“I know what I see, but that isn’t want I wanted to talk to you about. I want to thank you for saving my planet. Once again you’ve put our lives before yours.” 


End file.
